All Over Again

I took this as I arrived at Waterloo. To meet Tim.

We had agreed we should go out and have fun, no drama. I suggested a few activities that avoided "talking". But earlier in the day he said maybe we could do those next time, and just do dinner and drinks tonight. It was fine by me.

He always looks pale and tired when I see him. He's been rowing, at the gym and working so is clearly overdoing it I think. Probably to keep himself busy. 

We had a drink at Las Iguanas, and sat outside as it's not really cold despite it being the last day of October. We chatted, and it was nice, but didn't feel quite like us. Which is understandable. He was a bit surprised that I got an interview for a job in the Hague. I didn't expect to either. I know I can't take it as Tim has no plans to move home and regardless of what's happened why would I want to be even further away from him? 

He knew I wanted to talk to him properly, and I wanted to do it where it was quieter. We went to the Mulberry Bush which is behind the main Southbank strip, and we've been there before.

It was nice to talk, and I finally admitted to him what I felt I needed to. That I have suffered quite badly with anxiety since I was 12. I explained that I have never told any friends or colleagues until this happened, and I felt like it was a big secret I've been carrying on my shoulders my entire adult life. I told a few ladies at work- some of my closest friends, and cried when I did. And while part of me was a bit relieved, the rational part of my brain now thinks they'll look at me differently. Of course they will. And I've been hell bent on hiding it and no one outside the family knew. 

But it's been one of the reasons the relationship with Tim has failed. And I realise I should have told him right off the bat in January. And I told him that. He reacted the way I thought he would. That it made no difference to him, and that it explained a lot of things, and that he would have wanted to support me through it and it wouldn't have changed the way he felt about me. He told me there's no stigma, and if people turn away then they're not the right people. I wish I'd been more upfront from the beginning. He told me years ago when he'd been stressed with work he'd had heart palpitations. 

And I asked lots of questions about our demise all over again. I don't understand. He said he wanted to spend more time with me, and then I suggested moving in together (which wasn't what I wanted but I thought he did) and then he realised I went from one extreme to the other and that I didn't understand him. 

And I suppose maybe I don't. I thought the whole point of dating, being in a relationship is the excitement of future plans, and shared goals. We mentioned about children and marriage, what woman of 31 wouldn't? But he never said he didn't want those things, and had I known, well there really wasn't much point continuing. Oh wait, except for the love...:-) He said that having kids is a big decision (I agree), and that in 10 years he still won't have any. I just don't get it. 

I have said many times that although I do want that in the future, we are/were in the early stages of the relationship, and I didn't want those things now, or even in the next few years! I can't understand why you would pursue a relationship, make someone your girlfriend (someone who tried so hard not to get her heart broken and end up in a mess) with no intention of staying together long term? 

But of course I still love him. He held my hand at the restaurant and asked if I would be ok. I'll have to be, was my answer. He feels he's made the right decision, and I guess I have to respect that. But it's just so the opposite of the man I loved for 9 months, who was the driving force in this relationship. I think he just panicked with what my expectations are, and shut it down. No wonder he feels he's made the right decision if he was that stricken. But I'm scared too. 

Of being alone. I've been in crap relationships before and this wasn't one of them. And now I can't remember how to be happily alone again, something, or rather someone is missing. He hugged and kissed me at the station, just like any couple would, and yet again told me this wouldn't be the last time I'll see him. Maybe it just keeps making it worse, yet I can't let go, this was my world for almost a year. I held it together and then had a cry on the train home. 

I tried to be rational, but Sunday morning I just felt frankly, suicidal. Like I've lost everything. Why did he rush to make me his girlfriend? Why did he want to be so involved in my life, and so quickly? Why did he take me to NL to meet his family and friends? He said he did look at us being long term in the beginning, so I can only assume I made him scared by the desire to have a family with him ONE DAY! NOT NOW! I'm happy in my own place, financially solvent (ish) trying to change my career etc, so it's not like I wasn't ready for an adventure with him and wanted to settle down. He only stayed at my house once for goodness sake! 

My mum says he'll change his mind once he's more settled in his job, but I don't think he will. I'm really gutted, as I feel I've misunderstood the whole point of dating. How did I end up in the best relationship of my life, that seemed full of potential, and then it abruptly ended? 

I am too tired to keep thinking about it, yet I do. I suppose it's nice that I can still see him, but maybe we shouldn't for a while. I've taken a hiatus from Facebook and instagram, so I suppose I won't misinterpret anything I don't like on there. 

"What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve..."

And so it continues.