White Frame

I bought this frame from the White Company a few weeks back. It was in the sale. They had a nice one that was really big and had lots of little cut outs for small pictures, but it was £150 so I might have to wait a while on that one ;-)

Not much to report really. I have taken the week off work, and I'm planning to go back on Monday. Part of me thinks it might do me good to get back to 'normal', whatever that is. I'm normally a huge advocate for keeping busy and keeping a routine, and have preached that to my sister for years. I've never had time off until this year. The only time was back in 2009 when I had a burst appendix which resulted in 6 weeks off work ;-) Not pleasant at all as I spent it in and out of hospital, thin as a rake, and struggling to look after myself! Some of that would resonate now....

I've been in a routine of sorts. In that I'm still taking care of myself, and my home etc. I went to the gym three nights of the week. Some sessions were better than others, in that I did Giants for the first time in a year, so I should be proud of that I suppose. Considering it's so damn scary.... 

Sometimes I want to be around people, sometimes I just want to be by myself. I've come to the conclusion I don't really like being me. That whatever I do, however far I appear to 'come', that I'll never get where everybody else is. The reality is, things don't work out for me. At least the way they do for other people. I shall be 32 just before Christmas. And yes I've had such a fab year in many ways, yet again it's been snatched away, although a lot of that was probably unconsciously my fault. That I know. It just doesn't make it any easier really. I'm already looking back with regrets, with regard to my relationships, but also my job.

I applied for a teaching job (despite not really wanting to be a teacher anymore) in the Hague. I didn't expect to get an interview, but I did. What I really want to do is work in a big company in London like a lot of people I know who have made better choices in their post-school lives. Some might say that this is down to Tim, or even guy-friend, but it started before that, they and their experiences both enriched my life and sparked an interest in something I never knew existed. But I feel I'm perhaps not going to be able to accomplish this pipe dream. I applied earlier in the week to be a PA at Boden, based in London. I'm not sure being a PA is wildly exciting, but I set my expectations low yet did a good CV and covering letter. But I received an email yesterday to say they weren't taking my application any further, and were looking at people whose skills and experience were more suited. LinkedIn did tell me there had been 76 applications for one job so I wasn't optimistic, but it was nonetheless disappointing. 

Anyway, I digress. I had a Skype interview on Friday for the teaching job, and I actually quite enjoyed it. I felt I had a lot to talk about, and they said they thought I would be a good fit. They understood it was a big decision moving countries, and asked me lots of difficult questions. To be honest I had done zero prep for it at all, but I'm perhaps better being honest and winging it. They are doing 2nd interviews next week, and said those would be done in the Hague and how would I feel about going there. I would like to go and see the school. They seemed very understanding that it's a big decision and would need to feel right, and I went away feeling quite positive. I'd actually like to get the 2nd interview, but I won't find out until Monday. I haven't actually told my boss yet that I'd been looking, so if I get through I will have to tell her, although it looks bad as I've been signed off with anxiety. But I think this is a bit of a radical step, fuelled by anxiety. Maybe I need a big change? 

I'd like to go there next Friday, at least get to visit the school and see what it's like there. I thought I had a good chance but maybe I wasn't as good in my interview as I thought. They seemed to like me anyway. And I them. If I get to go, I would (with Tim's permission), like to meet up with his sisters, Laura and Renske as I'll be going via Amsterdam. It would be lovely to see them, they are lovely people and I miss my 'extra' sisters already! 

I suppose I'll have to wait until Monday until I can make a plan or go back to the drawing board. 

I've decided that I will be going away for my birthday and Christmas, by myself this year. And I'm scared. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going, and slightly aware there's not that much time left to get it sorted, but I am definite in my decision. I hate my birthday, and without Tim to share it with, there's even more reason to escape and drown my sorrows somewhere. I dread Christmas every year, and we've had a bit of estrangement with sister number two for the last 6 weeks, so it's as if it's all tanked at the same time. Which is a shame as as a whole the year had been a very positive one. 

I have a lot of thoughts tumbling around in my head, mostly of regret. All the things I thought I wanted, I don't seem to anymore. I've had a picture of how it is "supposed" to be, and Tim showed me that you only live once and you've got to make the most of it. I don't know why I pushed and made him think marriage and children are the be all and end all. Why didn't I just take it slow, and let us figure it out together? I'm not even sure the suburbs hold so much lure anymore. I felt pretty blue here driving around this afternoon, and wonder why I was always so down on living in London. 

I've stuck to what's safe. And expected of me. And it's not making me happy anymore. I wish I had been a bit more open minded. It takes me time to trust someone, and by the time I feel secure, they're tired of waiting, or life has moved on. It's my own fault. 

I love this picture. I'm going to leave it up as it's a picture of me when I was happy. And I'm not really anymore.

Apologies for such a long ramble. It feels good to get it all off my chest. Better than crying really ;-)