Family

I didn't sleep brilliantly. I saw C and S when I went downstairs for the loo at 7.30am but then went back to bed til 11.30 and caught up on some sleep and back blips as there was zero interweb in Pembrokeshire. I've had a few texts and calls from friends and family but didn't feel up to talking to anyone other than the immediate family.

C and I went over to PPP+H for lunch. I found out a lot more from them about what had happened and it is sad but ultimately, now she's gone there's no point in looking back and wondering about things.

N is coming home on Saturday and we skyped with C, who will come back for a week when we have a funeral date. My friend has agreed to take the service, which everyone is pleased about. We also know where she wanted her ashes scattered as, strangely, we had only talked of such things a couple of weeks ago.

We all went for a lovely walk around the lakes at Stowe, a place B greatly admired for its landscaped gardens, and which I used to go to with her every autumn for the Christmas Fair, which was a nice way to remember her.

It feels strange that I'm not going to be able to ask her gardening questions or the names of plants whenever I want to now. We won't be doing our usual NT garden visits and I won't be going to the flower shows or the garden centre with her. Our upcoming visit to Sissinghurst won't happen. Thinking about those things makes me sad. I loved our days out.

After our walk, we had a cream tea in the cafe and laughed and needled and remembered and talked and it was lovely to spend good quality family time with everyone. I'm not ready to go home yet so will stay with C for a while longer. I feel blessed to have such a lovely family, especially as I'm the only one on my own.

I'm going to speak to the undertakers and solicitors on Monday and maybe find some clothes for her to be dressed in. Going to her house will be hard but putting it off wouldn't make it any easier I don't think. We may have the PM results by Wednesday. There'll be so many jobs to carve up between us all but none of us has quite got the right head on at the moment, though P has done so much already.

I don't quite know how to feel for now. Just numb still. I just need to feel my way through this. Inevitably, it's the quiet moments that are the painful ones.