Numb

I managed nearly five hours sleep. I prayed. I spent a quiet morning with my friends then packed and headed homewards to C's.

On the way I mainly listened to the Test match for some normality and I thought about B and saw her in the cows (she was a milk recorder!) and in the soaring birds along the way. I thought that she must be up on a cloud (or perhaps away with the fairies for real!) with S and B and O, all looking down and smiling and wishing us well. I thought, now she has no more worries about work, her house, money, retirement or her past. Now she will not need to worry about N any more.

I am grateful not to have been the one to find her. Grateful not to have had to do any of the horrible tasks my siblings have taken on already yesterday and today. I am sorry for P and P, who had the terrible burden of finding her. In any other circumstances, it would have been me. I don't think I could have borne that.

I am more than sad that we will not hear her infectious laugh any more, except in our hearts and memories. But I am glad that as a family we have a hundred and one different silly stories to tell about her. She was one of the bonds that held us together. We will have to re strengthen our other bonds now.

The world will be a little bit quieter and less neurotic without B in it and all the sadder for that. I am not quite sure how I am going to get through Saturday mornings now without our coffees in Costa but get through them I will.