Trapped

This would be the image that a lobster sees as he starts his magical mystery tour. Maine lobster is different than rock lobster. Since it's in cold water the meat is sweet and you eat the whole lobster not just the tail. I love it and have been known to sit down and eat 3 at a time (I weighed 185 in those days and there wasn't much that I didn't eat)
So I thought of the times I was trapped. I'm thinking the 185 says quite a bit. There was a time I was sick and was trapped. BUT the worst.........caught in a shirt in a dressing room.....with no escape.
To clarify this, I have an addiction to so many thing to vintage clothing. I scrounge all of these stores looking for outfits to sing in. I also LOVE textiles and have been known to buy a size 18 pleated skirt to make a table cloth out of it. However nothing delights me more than sigh.......sparkles.
I saw in the window of this great vintage clothing store a shirt... So cool and it was what I believed to be my size.
So I marched over to the dressing room. They were full so I waited.......while some woman had a conversation on her cell phone while trying on clothes. This woman had no idea that there were about 6 of us standing outside the dressing room waiting for her to finish her conversation. In that time we all learned;
Her sister was a bitch
Her boss was a bitch
Her daughter was a bitch
And her husband sucked in bed.
I am so not kidding. You stand there looking nonchalant hearing her bitch about her sister and yada yada yada and then you hear a vague sexual reference and the ears stood up like Scooby Doo on my head.
What's even better is that people starting getting closer to the dressing room. You know they were listening.
So this woman went into just a little more detail than I EVER want to know about another human beings personal business. but did I leave NO!
"Oh no" she said to her friend on the phone "I'm just killing time waiting to pick up my husband after his tennis game" nope not going to make a really bad joke here
Meanwhile she ties up the dressing room.
By now people were just hanging out listening to the conversation. That young woman was not going to try on the man's suit and let's face it you don't need to try on mason jars but the woman was in line. So we looked around everywhere else but each other and listened about this woman's sorely lacking sex life.
The other dressing room opened up. We all looked at each other no one was moving. I took it. I was irritated by this time and hey I was waiting to see myself in wait for it..... Sparkles!!!!
So while I was listening to the woman next to me who by this time was talking about what she really needed in a man. good luck with that sweetie I was so engrossed that I failed to notice that this was a size 4. Simple math....10 lbs of well sugar does NOT fit into a 5lb bag. Well I got it on and it was tight. Not a "hey it shows my chest" tight but an oh my God I look like a pile of tires tight.
So I tried to take it off. Women you know the move you cross your hands over your head reach for the hem and pull.....and......cut off all circulation.....
The girls had staked their claim and were not giving this shirt up without a fight. So I ineffectually pulled,tugged, twisted and wiggled my bum . (I have no idea why, however I was told once if all else fails wiggle your bum. Wait was that for parking tickets?)
Anyway the whole time the woman is talking about ways that "IT" could be better. I started to giggle. I couldn't stop. I covered my mouth and totally giggled like crazy. Tears poured down my face. Not that anyone would notice because it was covered by this stupid nasty little freaking sparkly rag that was obsessed with my breast and was not letting go. I sat down on the floor crying and laughing and I noticed an sharp thing under my arm. A zipper. Mother of God thank you for the miracle. That was obviously the secret. I unzipped the cheap tawdry little item of clothing and exited the dressing room.
By now a crowd had gathered. This woman was better than cable tv.
I went to the register to buy a table cloth. I hoard vintage table cloths.
While I was there I looked at the woman next to me and said " did you hear the woman in the dressing room?"
She said "yes she was laughing like a hyena. I hope she was ok. We were a bit worried."
Frozen smile on my face.
Yup trapped like a lobster.


Have a great day!