Why?

Firstly, thank you to those who commented yesterday. I know the comments were from the heart and were much appreciated.

Warning: Some of the statements below might be hard to read.

After a fantastically close and sharing day I thought that Leo would get into bed and fall asleep easily (as he always has done).

However before even getting to the bedroom he started to get tense and to start breathing heavily. Tears followed. We got into bed around 10pm, but it was 1:30 before he fell asleep. I wa awake until close to 4am thinking about it all. It was a tough but beautiful night.

He had dozens of questions from the meaning of life to questions about the past.

"if I had known that Mom was going to die I would have spent all my time hugging her"

"the last 10 years of my life have gone by in a second. How long before I have no Daddy or Mommy?"

"why do they make movies about zombies?"

"why are my feelings (about his Mom's death) all coming out now (two years later)?"

"I can't remember so many things about her. I remember her in Spain, I remember when, I remember, etc. etc ..."

"I have a hard time remembering her face"

"when I close my eyes and have a happy dream, then a shark comes along and eats it .. it's like I make the shark come along"

"I remember .. I remember .. I remember .." (lots and lots of small details, and very clearly)

"why do people break into houses and rob you .. you know they kill you afterwards so you can't tell the police"

"I don't feel like I am the same person since I came back from America"

"I also want a kiss goodnight"


I picked this image today as the boys were playing. Leo has been gentle all day and wants to be close. He doesn't really want to play.

He just came in to my office to tell me "that he wants to give me a hug".

Here are some other images from today. Leo again, trying to smile, Noah "flying".

Edit: I am posting today not because I am stuck with how to answer or handle Leo, but because this is sitting very close to my heart. I feel a little in awe of him for coming to this state of awareness about himself and life, as well as realizing how much I love him and how close I am to him.

This is not to say that I am not open to you sharing your experiences. I love to hear how people feel.