Catholic shenanigans

"The new National Pilgrim Virgin Statue of the Immaculate Heart of Our Lady of Fatima, which was blessed by Pope Francis." — all quotes from the Catholic Sentinel

Advance apologies to the Tridentinely devout.

I'm a good Catholic ... aren't I?
I celebrated Fr. Joseph's birthday today!
I had lunch with Fr. Dick today!
I went to mass today, and it's not even Sunday!

Nevertheless, there are some things about Catholicism that make me laugh till my sides split, and this statue is one of them. Let's start with its name. National means American, I think. Pilgrim means it will travel from place to place. But Virgin Statue? You mean some of them aren't?

Pope Francis has placed the entire world under the protection of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Last time I looked, 'the entire world' included Portland. But our Archbishop is not to be outdone in his devotion to Catholic kitsch. Tomorrow he will consecrate the Archdiocese of Portland to Mary under the title “Immaculate Heart of Our Lady of Fatima.” That's the kind of mixed metaphor that gets writers ridiculed at the bottom of New Yorker columns.

Enough about the name. Let's look at this 'artwork' itself. What has Our Lady been smoking to dilate her pupils like that? Why is she smiling that smirky little smile with her cupid's-bow lips, adorned with a pre-teen lipstick-trainee shade of pink? Why does she have a rosary? Does she pray it to herself? Hail me, full of grace? And how about that heart, a cross between a Red Delicious apple and a chili pepper? When it comes to devotion, Our Lady goes way beyond wearing her heart on her sleeve.

But there is a serious purpose to all this folderol.
On the first Saturday of the month the faithful are asked to:
• Go to confession (preferably on a first Saturday, but within eight days before or after one)
• Receive Holy Communion (in a state of grace)
• Pray five Decades of the Rosary (one set of mysteries)
• Spend 15 additional minutes in meditation (on one or more mysteries of the Rosary)
All of these actions should be offered for the intention of making reparation to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. The Blessed Mother promised that if this is accomplished on the first Saturday of five consecutive months, she will assist us at the hour of death with all the graces necessary for our salvation.

Forgive me, but that strikes me as too silly to satirize.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have taken the name of the traveling Virgin Statue of the Immaculate Heart of Our Lady of Fatima in vain.

Fr. Joseph and Fr. Dick, pray for me!