Babysitting

I was babysitting little Joshua today. I felt quite sad through some of that. I did sort of think that there were times I was ok as well though.

When Bibs got back, we chatted for quite a while. That was helpful. Amongst many things we were talking about loving and serving people even when it is hard but how encouraging and exciting it is when it is easy/fun to love or serve someone as it gives us a glimpse of the new creation.

I think I had been a little anxious about going home at 4 but at the same time had a lot of CBT kind of stuff I wanted/needed to do but I was quite glad when I bumped into Alice as I walked through town. She invited me back to help tidy her room.

I was a bit worried that I was so OK about this. I tried to comfort myself by a few things:
1. I knew I was going to have a shower and put my clothes in the wash when I got home anyway so a little more dirt on me didn't really matter
2. I have perceived 'germ hotspots' in my room and amongst my belongings. I kind of know that many of them are made up but anyway. In Alice's room there are no such hotspots in my mind. I know that in reality there is no reason why my stuff should be more dirty than hers but that would explain why I could cope so well with Alice's.
3. Yes, I am coping so much better with germs generally due to CBT and medication (and I suspect God has been answering some prayers too!) but that is OK!! It is good really! One day I might actually believe that.

Anyway, Alice got tired before I did. I was very driven. Cue worry. But hold on Laura, she has been working and getting far less sleep than me. But then I do wonder what is the reason I am not working? Putting that on hold for the psychiatrist tomorrow.

I did a quick bit of shopping on my way home, feeling a bit scared about seeing old students and scared about life. Once home, I procrastinated and then had an early night. As I was falling asleep, I did get quite scared but used my falling asleep ness to escape.