Psychiatrist time

The psychiatrist appointment was good.

He started by asking how I was. I said the edge had been taken off my lows and while I did still get sad and anxious, my brain doesn't seem to quite be engaging a lot of the time and so I often quickly forget my feelings. I said that I felt a bit confused or lacked memory, like I was permanently a little drunk.

He asked how my sleep was. I said it was mostly OK I guessed. He wanted to know what that meant and went on at quite some length about tips for good sleep. I kept trying to say it wasn't really a problem but as he said I could begin to come off the mirtazapine, I realised I might begin to have sleep problems so his tips may be helpful.

Throughout the appointment, I kept giggling. I said I thought this was unnatural. He said that normal people got the giggles. 'Not in psychiatrist appointments!' I cried! He just seemed glad to see me happy. Although having said that, at least some of the time I was giggling, I felt positively sad and anxious.

He wants to take my lithium level up a bit and slowly take the venlafaxine and mirtazapine down a bit.

I brought up my worries that I shouldn't be signed off work. Both the psychiatrist and Naomi (who was with me) very firmly said I should be. For a start he wants to take another three months to meddle with the medication. And apparently mood was the easy bit to fix. So even after three months there will be things to do before I am ready to work. This was a definite answer to prayer as I had prayed for a clear answer to whether I should now be working. Apparently there are lots of things necessary before I work like time keeping, the ability to relax by myself, independent travel, interactions with people...

Naomi also reiterated what others have said that I am scared of working now because I am imagining how I feel now and putting that into a work situation. When it comes to working, I will be in a different place.

The psychiatrist wanted me to start practising mindfulness. He gave the analogy of life being a river and swimming along in the current. Thoughts and worries make up the river. Mindfulness is the art of getting out the river and sitting on the bank, watching the river flow by. So seeing thoughts but not engaging in them. Apparently I should be doing some of that and some CBT to attack the thoughts.

I worried that I had made myself out to be worse than I am. So I said I was worried about this. He said he could read the subtext and that I was not a fraud.

On my way back, I got to the point of having too much on my brain to do or sort out and I just wanted to crash, and not go to the June Event. I felt scared about life and depressed.

A stop by at Lizzie's helped and then I just went through the motions.