Day 115 - scary appointment 1 of 2

Had convinced myself to read a few entries over the last month. Worried that I have not been so bad eg not willing myself to sleep as much as I was.

I was rather apprehensive about seeing the psychiatric nurse.

Appointment happened...It became apparent quite quickly that we both had completely different expectations from the appointment. He was pretty convinced I wasn't bipolar but said he was 'just a nurse' so couldn't give diagnoses. He said that the fact I am recovering meant that there was not a lot that the psychiatric team would do. I did say that I had been in this place before and that, in the past, everything has got really bad again, so I wasn't convinced that it was useful to say I am on my way out of it. He did take that on board. He is going to discuss with the team in the next week apparently. He seemed to think that the best thing would have been to refer me to the psychological team but can't because I have already seen them.

He gave some useful advice about the ATOS assessment though which has reassured me a bit. He explained that they might well put me on a work related course but that that isn't what it sounds like - it would just be some support for me to help me do my voluntary work. I am sure I would have been beyond stressed if I had been told that by ATOS so I am glad that I know now.

Unsure what I felt. Worried I wasn't worried enough and too easily distracted.

Went back to Christine's for lunch. Helped to talk a little bit about things.

I was quite subdued. I rather wanted to go to bed.

Went to babysit. Didn't want to interact with anyone but that was ok as the toddler was sleeping. I did a little bit online before becoming pretty low and deciding to shut out reality by curling up and closing my eyes. I was so relieved James didn't wake up until his parents were arriving back.

The parents invited me to stay for dinner which I did but I felt all a bit uneasy as I had been thinking of going home to bed (but scared of being intercepted by housemate). I felt all unprepared but reminded myself that there was no problem with staying!

I cheered up and had quite a nice time. I even helped prepare apples for some crumble. And I was very jolly with James. I worried what the meaning of all this renewed energy was.

I went home and ended up doing quite a bit of sorting, cleaning and some laundry. This obviously made me worry more. I hate this!

I had a shower and changed my sheets so am feeling quite clean now but I must say I am feeling rather flustered and harassed. Struggling to keep calm but unsure how much of my minor breathing difficulty is to do with the terrible pollution.