Day 116 - surely this envelope is out of date?!

Yet I received it today...

Anyway. I must have had about 10.5 hours sleep but I was very sleepy and unimpressed at the prospect of getting up when the time came to be up for my GP appointment. I didn't see the point in going but I went anyway. I had to cycle quickly but I still felt pretty groggy and low. It was kind of reassuring. Maybe I am ill after all. But I wondered whether it shouldn't be.

I reported back on yesterday's appointment to the GP. I felt a bit stupid for being there. She had said I could come though. I said that I was stressed by the unpredictability of things (like yesterday).

I felt rubbish after that. I had been planning to go to Tyndale but wanted my bed and slightly guiltily went home.

I went to bed, checked Facebook, watched a funny video (maybe I am just lazy?) and tried to sleep.

I wasn't really sleepy anymore and was feeling guilty so didn't sleep for ages.

But then my alarm woke me up! Time to go to babysit. Unimpressed, I wanted to stay asleep.

I ate a couple of hot cross buns and got on my way.

Lying here feeling rubbish now. Probably not helped by massive bowl of apple crumble I ate as well. I have been feeling fat again. I just want to sleep. I don't really want to be bothered with anything. I'm scared about the emptiness of next week. Lots of my friends won't be around. Texting people to try to keep me busy - don't think Tyndale will be enough. Oh it is all so hard. Feeling close to desperate. But still scared I'm going to suddenly snap out of it.

If I lived in the past, another country, a war... I would just have to get on and no one would care. This scares me. I feel trapped. I hate it.

...

...hearing friends were struggling, I snapped out of my despair. Guilt and anxiety took over.

Evening not so bad although increasingly stressed about tomorrow. ATOS assessment...

God is with me and Romans 8:28 means I can be confident that God will use the appointment for the good of his kingdom.