Day 97

I woke up feeling awful. I was very much considering cancelling tutoring. I didn't feel like eating anything but was hungry. I was scared of going to lunch with people. It all felt pretty dire. I felt slightly less to blame for it all and a small amount of relief that I was maybe not getting better after all. This is so ridiculous.

I tried to sleep again but couldn't. I was a bit stressed about writing my bible study for Tuesday and for how I was going to tutor if I did go ahead with the plans. I wanted to give up but knew I couldn't. It's times like these that I hate being a Christian. That makes me feel a bit bad but I know that I'm not the only one who feels that way at times and also I know that not going to hell will make up for it. Times infinity. But life is difficult.

I decided it might be best to go to church this morning instead of this afternoon so I had to rush to get up and have a shower. I then decided to actually go to church this evening and panicked as I realised that this might mean that I was productive this morning without anybody else making me. Maybe I could work? Ahhh!!

I did some prep for the bible study. I began to feel confused as I didn't think I was feeling that bad anymore and wondered why and how I could or should be. Or something. I don't really know, I don't understand what is going on. I think I am rubbish but I know that God doesn't look at me like that. He loves me and He is interceding on my behalf and He IS changing me to be more like Him. It may feel hopeless, but it really isn't!

I didn't want to leave my bed and oh, what a surprise, was twenty minutes late to my friends' for lunch. I told them all about the ATOS appointment and felt a bit like they were judging me for being ill/too open/too negative. I felt quite awkward through the time and at times just wanted to curl up and be looked after. I got myself into one of my annoying I-don't-know-what-to-say-so-I-am-just-going-to-keep-talking-about-random-things-and-end-up-sounding-horribly-full-of-myself situations. Why, Laura, why? I hated myself a little.

Anyway, off I went to tutor Beth. I was hoping I might get a chance to tell Katherine my woes as I was still feeling delicate. But alas, no opportunity occurred. Tutoring was fine though and took my mind off things a bit more.

And then I went on to church. I was now trying to pull apart what my problem was. I took a seat at the back on the end of a pew to keep myself feeling calm but then the vicar came and tried to get me to move forward and said he knew I liked to be at the back but could we shift the back row forward. I felt bad and embarrassed by the way he had said he knew I liked to be at the back.

I felt very grumpy and like people didn't like me. I wanted to just leave but I didn't. I was very glad when the service was over and decided to invite myself over to Bibs'. While waiting to go there, some people were talking to me but I struggled to have a proper conversation with them. My mind was elsewhere and it was too much effort.

It was good to be able to chat things through with Bibs. I still felt bothered but a little less so. She helped me feel a bit less doomed. But she did suggest (as many before have) that I build up Tyndale hours to see whether I could cope with doing more. I really don't want to and it makes me feel trapped in this imprisoning world of work but maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe. I feel slightly better since realising that I might not cope with much more and then I won't have to do lots.

I became very tired but we played a game and so I didn't leave till 10. And I have to write my bible study for tomorrow. That is a bit stressful but I have done a little now.

Must remember it is faith expressing itself as love that is all that counts to Jesus.