Day 98

Much like back in the days of my degree when a deadline was approaching, I couldn't quite get myself to finish preparing the Bible study so opted to sleep until I really, really needed to do something. Then I couldn't properly focus and my brain felt quite muddled. So, at 2pm, off I went to meet Andy to talk about the study feeling somewhat underprepared and stressed.

As we talked about the passage and I asked many a question, I felt a lot more at peace about the study and also reassured about my own faith.

I wandered round town for a little bit before heading off to my GP appointment. The doctor was really nice as I explained my fear of the ATOS meeting and the psychiatry appointment. I told her again I was worried I was a fraud. She said she didn't think I was. Eventually she suggested testing how I got on if I upped my hours at Tyndale. People keep suggesting this. I think I probably should. But I don't want to. I think that probably just makes me lazy. I suppose it might show me I can't do much more and that would be good. But what if I can?? Agh!!

For the appointments, the GP suggested I write down in advance what I would feel if nothing was done/I was deemed fit to work. What is it that I find the hardest about my life? I will have a think about that. I guess the desperation of the lows and the stress and guilt when I believe I am getting better.

One reassuring thing the doctor said was that my big lows are somewhat unpredictable and she doesn't think it would be fair on anyone for me to be working and then that suddenly happen.

I felt desperately low and didn't want to leave the appointment. But a few minutes later when I was outside, I felt alright. Cue: confusion and stress.

I went on to meet some friends in the pub. It was remarkably OK.