Day 96

It was a day of tiredness. I wasn't feeling impressed by life as I hurried to get up to get into town to meet Alice for a lunchtime crepe! I felt sad and delicate. It all seemed a bit too much to cope with as we ate and then wandered round town. There were so many people around and it was quite hot which probably made things harder. Some of the time was good though. We enjoyed a mid afternoon frozen yogurt before heading our separate ways.

I went off to Helen's. We played quite a lot of bananagrams and I became so tired. I was really struggling to get my brain to engage and became very giggly. Helen said I was grumpy. I didn't think I was, I thought I was just very tired. It was a weird type of tiredness though. I maybe needed food but it wasn't like I hadn't had much earlier.

Anyway, I went home and lay in my bed snacking (getting together the energy to go and sort out some proper food). Even with the snacks though I felt so incredibly weak and tired. This was me entering dangerous territory; my thought processes began to spiral against me. I opened my post: a letter from ATOS. I have to have an assessment to judge whether I am fit to work.

This is not good news. Given that I always think that I probably am well enough to work and I am just a massive fraud, this letter set off a whole new stress. I know it is just what happens and it isn't personal but it makes me feel like I will probably be told I am fit to work. It's scary.

Then I thought if I just trusted God properly, I wouldn't have to be so worried. I wouldn't worry at all even. I do trust God though. So this led me onto thinking I have the choice to just be joyful and not worry. But then I felt like I wouldn't be ill and this confused me. Perhaps me being depressed is just me being a bit stroppy and not wanting to enter the joy God gives? I decided I was just terrible and deserved no sympathy. I also decided (irrationally, and I knew it) that nobody cared. I could at least see that my tiredness was making me fall into all the cognitive holes that I am supposedly training my brain to not fall into.

Maybe I am just too proud and don't want it to be a punishment when it is. Maybe it is God's way of refining me. Maybe I could just snap out of it. Maybe, maybe, maybe... Maybe I have Christianity wrong..thankfully I didn't entertain that thought for long at all. I have good reason to trust Jesus is Lord.

Thankfully, after calming down a bit, I persuaded myself to do a little bit of my book ('I'm not supposed to feel like this' by Williams, Richards and Whitton - I don't like the title but it actually is a very good book acknowledging both medical and spiritual side of depression and anxiety). It was very helpful. I didn't have the energy to do much but it reminded me of some incredible Truths:

-God loves me: he never judges me as bad or worthless. He loves and accepts me in spite of my sin. He forgives me because of what Jesus did. (Colossians 2:13-15)

-He will never let me go and he will always love me. (Romans 8:38-39)

-He promises the in dwelling help of the Holy Spirit, who acts as a teacher and encourager and pleads on our behalf to God. (Romans 8:26-27)

-He promises the prayers of Jesus on our behalf and the support of others in the Church to help us along the way.

So apt and helpful! I'm not entirely convinced yet but I am thinking that things aren't quite as bad as I had felt.