Day 53

Morning: d-5 a-4

I was just in bed on my iPad or sleeping.

Afternoon: d-5 a-6

I wasn't happy and this is what I wrote:

I hate life. Everyone is broken. Praise God we can lean on Him. It's hard though when I don't really feel His presence at the moment. Must remember not to emotionally reason. I DO believe Jesus Christ is Lord and my only chance of salvation. Whatever my feelings might tell me, one day I WILL be saved and in a place of no sorrow or pain.

I listened to a sermon earlier. I think it just made me feel guilty and anxious, rather than particularly comforted. It wasn't even the kind of sermon that should have been guilt inducing. Argh. Well, actually, no sermon should be guilt inducing. Sermons should point us to Jesus and the truth that he is the only way we can be saved.

I felt ok for some of today when I was with Lizzie and Anna. But I did have a slight sense of impending doom.

Saw the GP. Was in a terrible mood for her. Felt worried I was making her think I was better or worse than I am.

Worried about loads of other people having to go through similar things. GP said that didn't lessen my situation. Also people with depression make up a small percentage of the population and then people with it as bad as me make up an even smaller population. Don't know whether to believe her on that and it made me feel a bit more of a fraud but I was pleased to hear it anyway.

I feel strangely detached from reality. It is confusing. I was okish as Lizzie drove me home but now in a pretty black mood again. Argh argh argh!

Evening: d-6 a-9

Lizzie saved me from my sorrow by coming over to sort out my room. This prompted a lot of OCD anxieties in me. And I still felt quite vulnerable and low too (but nowhere near as bad). I went a bit crazy with the antibac and nearly suffocated myself.

The room is so, so much less stressful but I still was very tense. I went to cook dinner but had a bit of a meltdown at the prospect of putting stuff in the dishwasher so went to Rhoda's room to be calmed down. We did some deep breathing. And she suggested thinking of a calm place. I thought of the beach. That's the story behind today's photo, even though it was actually taken a year and a half ago!

I thought of Jesus standing there next to me, holding my hand. This was very helpful and I think I felt safer and less alone. It helped on the whole not feeling close to God. In fact it was probably just after Christine had prayed that I would feel closer to Him and messaged me to say 'He is never far. He is closer than the breath you breathe, he is closer than your skin. He loves you, He made you, and He will never leave you or let you go.' Amen to that.

Rhoda and I played some board games and very gradually I felt less and less tense.