Day 52

Morning: d-5 a-2

Slept for quite a bit, watched some iplayer, tried to catch up on some writing but struggled. Felt miserable and also a bit ill. Had cancelled crèche as I couldn't face the day and didn't think I had energy. Glad I didn't go.

Afternoon: d-6 a-5

I nearly cancelled teaching but in the end I went. I felt ill, sleep-deprived and just didn't know how I could possibly teach. I hadn't seen the work in advance - there wasn't any way I could have but I wasn't sure at that stage whether I just hadn't tried hard enough so felt bad. I couldn't remember a thing about the maths behind the work. I looked at the work when I arrived; I couldn't engage my brain. I had no idea how I was going to be any help. Stress.

I decided then that I would not claim to be paid for today and that gave me a lot more peace. Anything I did was now a bonus. I felt like I should be getting my head round the stuff so that I could help next week... After taking to various people I managed to build up a bit of an understanding. I decided to try to read up on the lecture notes. I managed to get few a fair amount. I felt a bit bad not walking around like I normally do. And when I got asked stuff I generally had to say I didn't know and get one of the others to help instead.

One of the other demonstrators commented that even I was sitting down when normally I 'pretend to be useful by walking round'. I felt a bit hurt because I do actually try really hard and really care about the students. I also worried a bit that the others think I am boring and a goody two shoes. But never mind. I don't want to look full of myself though...

One girl came over and asked me to help her with some maths. I said I would have to work through it with her as I didn't know it myself. I felt a bit bad about that but actually I think she found it helpful. She said she did anyway so that was nice.

I didn't know that I could face much more though. I was only just managing to sit there and stare into the distance. But then I had just done quite a bit of understanding of maths so I wasn't so incapable...maybe I was ok?? Argh. Some of the others realised I felt pretty lousy so said I should go home. So I did without feeling too bad.

As I left, the others were all like 'oh I guess we will just about cope without you. It will be sad, no entertainment'. I think they were just trying to be nice but then I clearly am not entertaining to them and it wasn't like I had been doing very much helpful so I just felt a bit rubbish. But a student said she didn't want me to go. That was really sweet, I thought. Sometimes I feel like I am the best demonstrator but I hate myself for thinking that. How big-headed of me. And then I can't be depressed if I have such a puffed up view of myself sometimes, maybe?? Argh...

Once home I did sleep for quite a while. Definitely needed.

Evening: d-5 a-5

I've just been in bed on my iPad. Feeling ok some of the time and very low at other times. My head is driving me a bit crazy. I did the depression and anxiety diagnostic tests in my book (meant to do them every now and again). It is a month since I last did them. My scores have gone down quite a lot. This should be good news. I am now supposedly mildly depressed and mildly anxious. I slightly don't believe that. I feel like life is pretty hard. But who knows. I am stressed about getting better as we know so I don't want the scores to be mild so maybe that's all the problem is. But taking the quizzes does stress me a lot. I worry I am putting the wrong answer and get scared to admit I might be alright.

I am probably writing terribly. My head is a bit of a mess. Writing has taken my mind off the hopelessness and desperation I was feeling. Half of me resents this but then I couldn't cope with it. I had to get out of it. I would really like my head to just be quiet. Bleurgh.

I have been worrying I am going to die and worrying about my health, especially my teeth. I don't want to be ill.

Sometimes I am ok though...maybe I am making things sound worse than they are? But now maybe I am making things sound better than they are? Argh...