Day 51

Difficult day. Haven't been feeling 100% and have been pretty tired which hasn't helped matters.

I slept in and then Helen invited me over for lunch. I just didn't want to get up so was late, as usual. I was very low cycling over but things were ok once there. I guess I struggled to be very chatty but I was probably alright. After leaving I was sad again though.

One thing of note is that Helen asked me how the psychiatrist was yesterday. I didn't tell her everything as I always feel like she is sceptical when I say anything implying I am that ill. I act like I am ok with a few people for different reasons. When I am in the situation though it can trick me into thinking I am ok. Anyway, all this got me wondering whether I could trust the psychiatrist having said I shouldn't work for another three to six months.

I had planned to go and sit in the sitting room and do some CBT when I got home but Rhoda invited me to come and chat. I didn't especially want to but it was ok and we played some games.

I did begin to feel worse again after an hour and a half or so. I went to try to see Lizzie, not feeling too good.

I think I did pick up a bit while there but felt slightly anxious the whole time.

We did clear up the issue of trusting the psychiatrist though. She pointed out that he is trained and has lots of experience whereas my friends have just their experience really to go on. My friends also don't necessarily know everything about my experience. I then wondered whether the psychiatrist was just trying to get more money out of me by prolonging things. Lizzie said that would be unprofessional and would spoil his reputation if he got found out. On balance, I think I can probably trust what he says. And be encouraged by the fact several friends do agree with what he says, even if some don't!

I avoided my messy room again so went to sit in the sitting room and do some writing. I am getting very behind with this journal. Chatted to Charlotte for a bit which was ok. I got so tired and just wasn't really getting anywhere so had quite an early night.

So I guess there were ok times but definitely times where the future (very near and not so near) felt bleak. I also have been feeling quite fat. If anything I am like a pound lighter than I was when I started this. But I guess I am often feeling fat.

Morning: d-5 a-2
Afternoon: d-4 a-4
Evening: d-2 a-3