Day 14

Far too much time spent waiting round today, particularly in stations!

Firstly I had my blood test and ECG. Despite having been dreading the fact I had to fast, I quite enjoyed my walk to the surgery and, amazingly, I arrived early! Afterwards I went into town to do some shopping. I got stressed that I might have been enjoying myself and managing normal things (so be well, so be a fraud and have to get a job etc). After a bit I did begin to feel quite low, tired and overwhelmed but I think it would be fair to mainly blame this on the fact I still hadn't eaten anything.

This brings me on to the next point of eating. I felt as though I could keep just not eating and felt this would be excellent for losing some weight (I haven't especially talked about it on here but I have been preoccupied to varying degrees by my weight lately. And I have weighed myself a few times without saying...I fluctuate a bit anyway but I am still 9 stone 3 pounds or so.). I felt a bit bad about this. I knew it wasn't a healthy thing to do and that it would make me feel lower and that would not be fair in anyone. Especially after all the effort and time and money people have invested in my recovery. I also felt obsessing over weight is not what God wants me to do. So it has been quite a struggle with that going on in my head. I probably ate an acceptable amount in the end.

I had to get quite a lot of stuff sorted out which made me quite stressed and sad at times. I put it largely down to lack of food and drink still at that point though.

Once more I have been distressed by how well I think I now am. I am putting this largely down to my fear of job hunting and not wanting to do a job. I have, in many ways, felt pretty desperate and trapped at the prospect of being OK. I keep wanting to thump myself or something. I wouldn't but I am having many such urges. Argh, really want to not be on the medication. But I think that is so selfish. And silly! I can't cope with being so depressed as I have been.

I was quite irritable this evening. That can probably be put down to being so tired and having such a bad journey home. I am now definitely ready to sleep.