Day 13

The only thing I had planned for today was church at 5. Normally this would be asking for trouble - I would be pretty much guaranteed to get very low. Not today. I got up pretty early, did several loads of washing, had a shower, watched some TV, ate properly. I even did a bit if tidying. I am really impressed with myself from that point of view. To watch TV I even ventured to the sitting room. This did take require some endurance of anxiety as I did not feel comfortable being so out of my safety nest of my bed.

I had some lower moments and I did decide to sleep for an hour and a bit this afternoon but I didn't particularly struggle to then get up and go to church.

This did bother me. I really, really don't want to be on antidepressants. I seriously dislike this numbness of feeling. I think it would be really selfish to come off them though. And actually, can I just remind myself how hideous I have found life before?! I have not known how I can keep going. Surely this situation is miles better than that.

The job situation is still stressing me out...

At church I did have some more emotional intensity which was comforting in many ways. I also got a bit paranoid that particular people didn't like me. In addition to this, I felt very guilty about certain things and really had to remind myself of God's grace. It was a carol service and the short sermon can be summarised by 'He came down to take us up'. The vicar illustrated this well with children and balloons. It was a very comforting message and I felt a bit like I had been given a metaphorical hug from God. He is so good.

This evening, since getting home, I have felt a mix of loneliness, lowness, fear and stress about everything I have to do. I am hoping I might just feel a bit calmer once I have posted this.