Day 12

I spent the morning in bed but I was rather proactive in doing things nonetheless. As you might imagine this caused some deal of anxiety. I tried dealing with this by looking for a job so that I would not feel like a fraud (perhaps!). This prompted negative thoughts about not wanting to do any of the things and being scared. After feeling particularly worried about being better, I ate some more chocolate. This was followed by quite a low low, possibly due to my feeling fat.

It was really on my mind that I wanted not to be on medication. My head has been feeling different. It's kind of like a thought comes into it and I feel like it should make me feel something but it doesn't. It makes me understand better what I was always being told in CBT: thoughts lead to feelings so if you can capture the thoughts, you can attack them and live happily ever after... With my current state of mind, I can totally see how that could help. I have always felt that I just feel really low and no amount of attacking thoughts, if I can even find the thoughts, seems to help. In fact, now is probably the exact time to attack my core beliefs etc while I don't feel so bad and can pick out what is bothering me. I think this is important to remember as for some of the thoughts I am having at the moment I don't feel there is much point in doing anything with as they aren't making me feel that bad. Conclusion: really must work hard on CBT.

Having said all that, the fact that I am so bothered still about feeling like this and other such things still holds so I am perhaps not as unaffected by emotions as I keep thinking...

I cycled to Helen's, feeling pretty rubbish on the way. Once there, I was OK. Then I brought up my concerns about being a fraud and needing to get a job. Talking about it got me more unhappy that I was doomed. But it didn't feel like the kind of despair I am used to and this upset me. I was worried, dreaded work and hated the situation.

I became a bit subdued but we started playing bananagrams. It was OK but I got quite tired playing.

Later on we were planning to go to someone else's for a game of Articulate and drinks. Cycling there, I felt much lower and considered bailing. In the end it was a pretty good evening.

When I got home, I went to bed. I felt quite stressed by everything though and a bit restless.