Day 11

I had a restful night and woke up not feeling too bad. However, after I had had breakfast I returned to bed and felt pretty dead for a while. I wanted to just go to sleep but was anxious about my pending GP appointment.

Once in the appointment, I was not feeling too bad and said that this week had been a lot better. We had practically finished when I raised the point that I was anxious that maybe I should be working. The act of seeking reassurance from my doctor actually made me more anxious, which is often the way with such thoughts.

I left the GP feeling a little low and contemplated dropping in on a friend. I needed to do some shopping though so I went and did that. I began to quite enjoy myself which made me feel a bit guilty and anxious. I am quite pleased with how well I did at allowing myself to have fun however and think that somewhat makes up for the fact I didn't do any written CBT work.

I returned home for a short while where I did become rather attached to my bed and struggled to get up to go to the first birthday play date I was due at.

Upon arrival, several of my little friends seemed very happy to see me. That was lovely. And I was surprised how pleased one of my adult friends seemed to be to talk to me, proving that my beliefs about her not really liking me were probably faulty. I got a bit tired, being told what to do by the toddlers but mostly things went well.

I stayed at Lizzie's afterwards which was nice and it was good to be able to offload a bit to her.

I started to have a headache but when I got home my housemates asked if I wanted to play a game. We played and I found it slightly hard not to be irritable towards the end. I went to bed and had an early night.

One thing I did find challenging particularly in the evening was how much I wanted to just have a good old cry as I felt my emotions had been somewhat masked by the drugs. I just wanted to take myself off them but I completely know that would not have the desired effect and that is a very bad idea. I do wish I could cry though.

I also kept having moments of self hatred and coming very close to digging my nails into myself before noticing and stopping. It is quite an odd sensation clearly having negative thoughts but yet feeling somewhat numb to normal emotions. I don't like it very much but I'm not sure whether that is just because I fear I am a fraud.