Day 5

Before spending most of the afternoon asleep (admittedly, I hadn't had enough sleep last night), I wrote most of today's entry. I am soon off to babysit overnight. I am planning to do a bit of CBT there. It is far easier once I have got out, I thing.

A day spent mainly in bed (sadly it all felt much greyer than the bright version I have chosen to use as today's photo!).

Today I cannot be bothered with anything. I'm so bored but also pretty unmotivated. I have managed to leave my room to properly feed myself and I did play cards with Alice this morning before she left. So compared to a year ago that's already been a good day. But I simultaneously really want to be in bed and really don't want to be.

I tried watching some TV. Boring. I thought I could do some reading. Maybe my CBT book or maybe the book I am supposed to be reading for work. I sort of want to but I can't be bothered to hold the book. This is ridiculous. I suppose at least I am typing now. I half want to do a bit of my puzzle book. But I feel guilty doing that. I might enjoy it and then maybe I'm not ill...

My GP said something useful the other week: at the moment I have two options - I could try to work but I probably would be little use to the workplace or myself OR I could focus on my recovery. Socialising and doing things that I enjoy are key to my recovery so I should not feel guilty. I think I need to be disciplined in doing CBT each day and also keep myself busy-ish with fun things. In the long term that will be best for me and the economy! Of course some voluntary work and the small amount of teaching I do are good for me too but I don't need to have this ongoing feeling of guilt that I'm not doing more.

Oh I did also have a bit if a quiet time this morning. I got worried though as I felt I was dreading heaven. I felt thoroughly unworthy. But actually that is good because we all are thoroughly unworthy and that is why we need Jesus to take the penalty for us. Praise Him that He has.

I don't want to dread heaven/the new earth and I guess this makes me question why I am dreading it. I think I worry I won't have any time to myself or that it will be really boring. I am scared of the interactions with others and I am afraid of God. But hold in a second! God is good. And like the Revelation passage I looked at the other day says there will be no more sorrow or pain. It is going to be a joyful place like how God intended it to be. It will be perfect! As well as this, I can be assured that the Holy Spirit is changing me to become more like Jesus so any sinful aspects of me that might stop me wanting to go to heaven will diminish.

This whole worry is stupid if I just stop to consider how many times the only way I can keep going in this life is knowing about eternity with Jesus. I don't like this life and I am petrified of hell. The alternative to these two options is not only the best of the three options but the best option there could possibly be!

Fear of God maybe is healthy if held in conjunction with love for God, I think. We are called to have reverence for Him. I'm not sure how much of my fear is that kind of fear...

Anyway, the best thing I can do is pray and be open to God about what I am feeling.

So I suppose I really have done quite a lot today really. Maybe I am overlooking the positives. Apparently I have a tendency to do that. But then I feel like this makes it sound like I'm actually fine and just a bit bored because nobody is around... This in turn makes me wonder whether that is actually the case. Argh. I think I should do a pros/cons list for getting better.

Pros of getting better:
-I hate being depressed
-I would be more useful to others and myself
-I think that in becoming more like Jesus, I am going to have to at some point. So why not now?
-people might prefer my company
-I wouldn't have to feel embarrassed about being depressed (although I shouldn't have to either way!)

Cons of getting better:
-I might lose support
-I will have to get a job which sounds stressful
-I will not be the 'worst'
-I might not 'deserve' love so much

I think the fact that I am using quotation marks just show how silly some of the cons are.

The idea of losing support is not very accurate. My GP is always there. Even more than that God is always always there! And my friends aren't going to ditch me as soon as I am a bit better. To be honest they may well prefer spending time with me then and our friendship may be more enjoyable.

Finding a job does sound a bit stressful but when I am better I will be less stressed about it! Also things aren't as black and white as the way in which I am thinking seems to be. One doesn't go straight from nothing to full time working. I am not suddenly going to be all on my own not being able to cope.

And one doesn't snap from 'ill' to 'well': these things all work on a continuum.

Maybe a big realistic struggle I face is gauging when I am well enough to work and the uncertainty of coming off benefits

Maybe I should think a bit about my thoughts about work. A task for another time though, I feel. I can't be bothered to write any more. It all feels so complicated! I don't even feel like I have really made any sense but hopefully by the end of this year challenge, things will be easier to get a grip of.