Day 4

Not the best of nights, tossing and turning for most of it and being disturbed by a loud explosion at 3am and then being wide awake for a couple of hours. Unsurprisingly I wasn't feeling like getting up to go to the Christmas brunch at the library that I was expected at. I managed to get there only a bit late though. As I cycled there I felt a bit low but noted that the level of misery I was feeling was bearable and that I should probably make the most of and do some important CBT work later: I got myself into such a state last night as I thought about being lazy. I felt so sick with stress that I had had to just go to sleep.

Anyway, on my cycle I bumped into B with whom my relationship is a bit complex. Following this my mood dipped a bit more.

When I arrived at Tyndale, there was some awkward mingling which I managed for a bit but then I just wanted to run away. I managed to keep myself from doing that but ended up sitting myself down by myself. I pretended to be busy but felt a bit of a freak, although not as much as I would have expected to. Before too long the carol singing and little recitals began so that felt much more comfortable. Today's photo is from the Christmas decoration in Tyndale.

After that had finished, I had a brief conversation with someone I slightly know. It was all fine until he said he was going to get some more food and I replied that I was going 'actually go and do some work'. Then I realised that may have sounded like I was suggesting he was slacking. I felt a bit bad but decided that I didn't really care what he thought of me anyway so it wasn't worth worrying about. Further reason not to worry about it was given to me when I later cycled past him and he cheerily waved. I went back to the library to wait for Simon to come back too and give me some work. I felt so low and just wanted my bed. I rested my head on my cardigan and felt rubbish.

Simon came back and tried to give me some work. I couldn't face it but he had previously asked me for help with a photo book so I reminded him of that. He gave me a book to read to help. I was surprised (and a little uneasy about the fact) my concentration was quite good. (Maybe I am ok?)

The concentration didn't last though and after a few pages, I decided I would go. I was a bit anxious that I needed to tidy my room before Emma came this evening. I went into town to pick up my prescription. While waiting, I felt hideously low. I think I felt purposeless. I wondered whether there was anyone I could see before Emma came but was also still anxious about the dreaded job of tidying my room. I phoned my mum (first time in a while) and didn't have much energy to talk to her but was glad to hear what she had to say, mostly. I was a bit worried hearing about my Grandma.

Being in town, I suddenly realised I could do a bit of Christmas shopping. I felt both uncomfortable with the spontaneity of this and the idea that I would be entertaining myself (maybe I can have fun without other people? Believe it or not this is scary to me. Argh!). My anxiety levels rose. I happened to bump into Alice so invited her to join us tonight. We decided it would be sensible if she slept over. I worried some more about getting my room sorted in time and now I needed to clean my bathroom too really...eek!

I got back and ran on adrenaline trying to get everything done. I was a bit OCD about having touched dirty stuff and washed my hands quite a lot. By the time my friends arrived, I was somewhat flustered. I was notably stressed by the fact I hadn't had time to wash my hands after hoovering because they had arrived. I had to tell myself it was fine and that other people would not be bothered by that.

Through the day I have noticed perfectionist tendencies over the photos I use for this blog. I really want to change one. I need to remind myself it is NOT important!! Keep calm, Laura.

I ended up having quite a fun evening. There were a few worries here and there but I mostly enjoyed myself, although I did get quite tired.

The worries today have been mainly cleanliness related, friends being sad (although not too much) and the usual am I getting better worry.

To deal with the cleanliness worries, I think exposure is the best way to help myself. That and to remember that other people would not be worrying like me about these things.

The worry about friends being sad needs to be addressed as it really can't go on eating away at me like it has done. My friends have generally been having better days today so that has been nice but I know there will most probably be many more times of friends having crises in the future. It is probably good to worry a little bit so as to help me help them if I can. The best thing I can do is pray and I can pray that God will show me ways in which I can help them. Letting them know I am there is definitely a good one. I need to look after myself though. I should not feel guilty if I have some time to myself. I must remember God is in control, not me. Thankfully. He sees the struggles of my friends and He cares. I am still worried about this though...

I want to think quickly about why I worry so much about people struggling. A few years ago I got so worried if I thought anyone else was depressed, especially if I perceived they might be worse than me. I think there was something in me that wanted to be the 'worst'. Whether this was so that I might 'deserve' more love, attention or what, I don't know but it fits in with how I seem to always want to be the most extreme of something. I can see it through my life: cleverest, thinnest, tallest... I don't think that it is quite how it was a few years ago but I feel there is still some of that wanting to be the worst (or at least wanting there to be something notably wrong with me) in my thinking now.

I probably need to keep telling myself that I am not loved based on my intelligence, health (or lack of), appearance etc by people. Or if I am, that is not love I want. God loves me regardless of what I am. And I have many friends who love me. People will love me no more for being more ill. That is silly.

I think I should think some more about this but now it is well and truly time to sleep. Good night!