Day 6

I haven't enjoyed today much. Didn't sleep especially well and then was all anxious about getting up in time (as I was staying at Tess' after having babysat). I didn't feel too bad when I did get up and have breakfast. Tess said I could stick around for as long as I wanted, even though they were going to church. I went back to bed. Probably an error but I didn't have much energy.

Having read a fair bit of my CBT handbook last night (and stressing that the test I had done had scored me as 'moderate depression', not 'severe'. This is ridiculous, Laura.), I thought I would do a bit more while lying there. I thought that maybe I could read the section that had been mentioned in the paragraph about the patients who resist treatment. However it is a long section and I only managed to read the first bit which is actually more aimed at therapists about how to build the optimal therapeutic relationship.

It made me miss Lucy though and also a bit resentful about some of the things she did or didn't do. I know I am probably being unfair: she gave me so much time and I am sure she didn't mean to hurt me with the things that I am thinking of - in fact the chapter explains how differently a patient and their therapist can think the therapist has treated the patient.

I guess I need to remember that therapists are only human too and not perfect. In some ways this makes me feel less safe as I worry I haven't got the solid, non judgemental support maybe I thought. BUT God is constant in His love for me. It would be good to remember that.

I lost the energy/motivation to read anymore. I lay there not wanting to do anything but also wanting to see someone. I couldn't be bothered to go home but at the same time, it was hanging over me that I needed to. This went on for a long time before I finally managed to get myself dressed (enough to walk home anyway...I was still in my pyjama top).

Once home I felt a little more up to doing things. But still based in bed. I ate some chocolates, failing to exercise much self-control, while watching some Sherlock. Helen texted to say I could come over anytime now. It felt like such a big task to eat lunch and go out and I felt sick as well (I think from anxiety about something) so made the not so sensible decision to not bother with lunch.

This probably contributed to the grump I was then in as I cycled to Helen's. I tried to make conversation once I had arrived but I don't think I was particularly exciting to be around. I went to buy some food but the whole time I felt a bit on edge. I think I had got it into my head that I might see Lucy there. Who knows why? It was complete 'fortune-telling'.

I also felt quite alone and like nobody really cares. But that's not true. And even if it is, God cares. He is constant, even when nothing is. But then another silly worry on my mind today has been that I'm going to hell, but also again dreading heaven. I got worried that living for Jesus meant no freedom and actually this isn't something I want. But there is a reason why it is said that people are slaves to sin before the truth SETS THEM FREE.

Church this evening was very busy as it was a carol service. I felt a bit overwhelmed and struggled to find the energy to sing. I also was sad because my one year old friend had chosen to cuddle someone else. I know that this shouldn't make me sad. She is one. But then on the other hand it does suggest that she likes the other person more. But then why does that matter? It shouldn't.. But I guess it just brings me back to feeling like nobody loves me that much. That, however, is very all or nothing thinking. And not rational.

And, as I keep having to remind myself. God loves me. I then start to question what even love is. God doesn't love me because of anything I have or haven't done. Really that is a relief but then the love doesn't feel personal. It makes me not feel worthy of love. But none of us are. And that is why God is so amazing to have sent Jesus to die and rise again so that we could be made worthy by that sacrifice. This whole idea of love is quite confusing to me but I think the fact that God loves me and He is with me always should be more than enough. Even if I don't feel like it is, there is no condemnation for those in Christ, so I need not feel guilty.