Day 3

Today has not been much fun. I rushed to crèche as soon as I woke up. As usual, I was late. I'm told by my various CBT sources that I shouldn't generalise and say I never do something or always fail. But I pretty much always am late. I guess I should be kind to myself. If I knew someone else with depression and they were often late I would feel that it would be unreasonable to be upset with them. In the same way perhaps I should exercise a bit of self compassion.

Crèche felt like quite a drag but I guess it could have been worse. I didn't enjoy it though, despite getting lots of cuddles. I had a few panics that I had done something awful but I managed to calm myself each time before too long.

After crèche Bibs invited me back for a quick cup of tea before my blood test. I went but got a bit stressed that I was cutting things too fine and was very apologetic. I raced off to my appointment praying I would get there on time. I was only a minute late and had to wait a couple of minutes before going in. All was ok and off I went to Helen's.

I texted A and E to see how they both were. They both said they were OK but then E asked if I was around for a coffee break. Cue mega stress. I didn't have time at all but I felt really guilty. I thought she probably was still quite sad and was probably lonely too. I felt even more guilty because I then felt like I spent half my time with Helen texting other people. Things changed a bit and I thought I had a spare hour to see E after all. I was glad to see her but worried more.

Highly stressed and feeling a bit like a headless chicken, I cycled back to see Lizzie, being reversed into on my way (I'm ok). I then felt like rubbish company to Lizzie as I was preoccupied with the stress. We talked a bit about things which helped but I couldn't quite work out what all the problems in my head were. I guess it is similar to how yesterday I didn't know fully why I was so sad. I got myself into a state that I am lazy (not a new obsession) and did have to seek reassurance from Lizzie. But however much reassurance I seek, I am still going to think it and actually like with other OCD matters seeking reassurance only fuels the worry.

I did enjoy the pretty decorations and sensory play that Lizzie had made for her little girl. That is today's picture.

I got home and actually put some effort into my supper. I tried eating and watching I player but I got too stressed and had to do this. Half my food is still waiting for me to eat it -- I lost my appetite somewhat.

I think the two thoughts/situations I am going to work on today are the idea that I am lazy and the fact I can't seem to cope with friends having a hard time.