Yes I know: I should not complain, not self-pitye my misfortune. I should not this and should not that…but you know, It just happens that out of the grey morning sky, I feel that way. I hear a voice, Hers? Ours? Mine? It's a fearfull voice, a voice of a little desperate child: „Where were You? I had to look around for You everywhere, calling and crying: Where are You!!"
But the voice tells also that the Missing One is back again. Like your parents who finally came back home much too late at night. While you were choking for fear. “Be brave and take good care for your little sister, we’ll be back in time…And they weren’t. And I had heard all passing bikes. But not the slowing down of the dynamo, the sound of braking on arrival. Of course I cryed for fear and anger: “Where were you?”
We did loose each other a couple of times. But we always found each other back again. Once we could not find Mischa in a big warehouse in Nice. OMG, but we found her back at the Servicedesk. Should I say that we were not prepared to loose each other forever?  I have had open heart surgery ten years ago. But Willemien almost never visited her GP, never had been hospitalized.  Wasn’t it a bit unwise, naive, to live our life together as if nothing could happen to us?
I know, I should not complain. Just normal to become a widower. Be gratefull for the fiftyfive years you spend together, I know. But suddenly I hear a voice calling and then it does not feel that way. And I pray and then slowly my crying comes to rest. And then I want to go downtown for the First time after the heavy snowfall. I have to go and visit You, speak to You. And hear Your Funny Voice from the melting snow: “Where were You”? I have been waiting for You in this Freezer all the time. Why didn’t You show up…You Great Pretender!"
And then I could smile again, lite Your Red Candle and Our Four White Ones in nearby St. Michaels. Praying for a day to come that I could try to sing that Psalm of David (22). To sing from Our Heart, knowing deeply that (S)He never left Us. Knowing and Feeling that I can find You back Anywhere, Anytime, Forever.