Another round of heavy snow shoveling. And aching muscles in my arms,back and so on. But are you ready now? I don’t know. Because I did not want to test if I have enough turning space to move the car out, turn, leave and park in when getting back home. So, this afternoon I said to myself: it is not a must to go shopping in the downtown super. Take your time, you are not out of vital victuals. Almost running, but look around She would say: You with your Angst for shortage, don’t repeat your Mams hysteria.
And indeed, I did not leave The Hut this afternoon. And enjoyed my meditative reading. I’m not a monk, like Thomas Merton or Anselm Grün. I would fail in strength of Faith, self-discipline, readiness for sacrifice, to mention the least. But I feel at ease in my relative isolation. For the moment I don’t feel this Covid Lockdown as a burden. If I want, I can go for a long walk in the Solling Forest. Not under heavy snow conditions of course. I could contact a few very good friends by Phone or Whatsapp, but I happen to have left that for later on.
There still are a lot of things-to.do, bank and tax affairs, correspondence, writing, painting and ….I do some thing for today and then I return to my reading. So, under these curcumstances I feel rather ok in coping with loneliness. It still is such an incomprehensible stunning fact that my DearestLove is gone forever. But it clearly is my destination to learn to exist this irrevocable new life in a spiritually embracing way. Just like my dear Grandmother showed me and teached me in her own pious way of life.
My readings are a way of selfinquiry and –confrontation with my youthtime hubris, Lack of practical efforts to investigate and deepen my fundamental relation to Christ and G’d. Now I finally have this last chance to learn to participate in recreating, resurrecting and restoring Hope for a Future of Love and Peace. And deep inside I know that this is also the only way to feel in touch with my DearestLove. Sola Fide, here and now I stand. Why should I fear and struggle against all these impossibilities, sudden tears, pains, desires?