The Bionic Woman

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess,

Today Cazza had her eyes zapped. I accompanied her along to the surgery and sat through the talk about what they were going to do and how it was going to work and what she would hear and what she mustn't do afterward.

"You'll hear clicks and snaps when the laser is working," said Marianne The Nice Lady. "But it is nothing to panic about. And if you DO smell something like burning hair, don't worry that's just a part of the procedure, we haven't started on your eyebrows or anything."

Cazza seemed to be taking it all in her stride, but I could sense she was a little anxious. I reassured her that I'd found the procedure very easy, pain-free and only a little uncomfortable when I'd had it done in 2002.

Just 20 minutes later she was all done. The lovely nurse wiped the antibiotic from her face and it was time to take her home. Remarkably, Cazza told me she could already see quite well. She described looking at me as if we were both in a steam room.

(Clarification: We have never shared a steam room. We are not 1970's swingers.)

I ordered an Uber home. Cazza couldn't contain her excitement and told the driver that she'd just had corrective surgery on her eyes. 

"Oh my GOD!" exploded the driver, "BEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO!"

We told him we assumed he had also had it done.

"Yes! One year ago! BEST decision I ever made!!" he told us. He was one of those trendy young Indian guys. A bit like Amitabh Bachchan when he was in Delhi 6. He wore a beanie and trendy sunglasses which he whipped off with aplomb. "I'm telling you, my ophthalmologist promised me 20-20 vision but it is EVEN BETTER THAN THAT."

Really?

"Yes. It's not just that I can see - I can see THE HELL out of things!" he assured us.

I wondered if he now had x-ray vision and could tell me the colour of my knickers, but thought it best not to ask. Of all the days to wear my kitten panties.

"Like bionic vision?" asked Cazza. 

"Yes! Yes!" said the Uber driver. "And I'm a gamer, so I play late at night in all sorts of light. I TOTALLY abuse my vision! I reckon I'll need to have this done every ten years or so."

While I'm not so sure about that, it was probably exactly what Cazza needed to hear. She seems in very good spirits and I think she is quite enjoying flouncing about in dark glasses around the house. "I feel like Roy Orbison," she said.

Cazza is looking forward to the following:
- Not wearing glasses in the rain
- Wearing non-prescription sunglasses
- Being able to see what she is doing while shaving her legs ("I'm sick of coming out of the shower to realise I have a beard on one knee").

Now we are watching A Very English Scandal which is really terrific. Hugh Grant is one of Cazza's favourite actors, and she just loves true stories. It could be just the visual therapy she needs.

S.

UPDATE: 
Cazza just called her mum J-Bar to give her an update. "Oh yes, El Parsones is off too," she explained. "He was supposed to be my seeing-eye dog for the next couple of days but it went so well I don't think I'll need him."

Then there was a pause and Cazza saying, "Oh for Christ's sake mum!!"

Cazza turned to me and said, "Mum wants to know if you're wearing a dog-collar and a leash." I could hear J-Bar cacking herself on the line.

J-Bar. This is what she is like. She will always be NAUGHTY.