Living doll/hell

My Jekyll and Hyde relationship towards my daughter continues. On the one hand, I simply adore her and feel the upmost love for her - yet on the other, I can't deny she is causing me living hell right now.

It is so difficult as I know she is an innocent baby and none of this is her fault. But it is hard not to project these feelings onto her when you are operating on so little sleep and your reserves are gone.

Last night, true to form (of late) she woke almost every half hour from 11pm onwards until 6am this morning. She was only hungry on one of those occasions. The rest of the time she just cried. And cried. And if I didn't go to her she screamed inconsolably and started breaking into a sweat. It was heartbreaking.

What makes it worse is discovering how easy other babies her age are for friends of ours. I think the problems we have with her must mystify a lot of people. We have certainly drawn the short straw with her reflux and sleep issues that is for sure!

Because she slept so little last night, she has been overtired today. It has been even more exhausting as she has had meltdowns every hour or so. The cycle continues. I couldn't even get my head down when she slept as she wouldn't sleep for a full 30mins in the day today either. Woe is me etc. etc.

Oh I know I'm moaning but I defy anyone not to in these circumstances. My mother-in-law has been doing some research for us and is convinced her night time waking is reflux related. Our NHS appointment at the hospital keeps being cancelled so she took matters into her own hands for us today and booked a private appointment for us tomorrow. She says she can't see us or Audrey suffer any longer and is even paying for it which is lovely of her.

With that and the baby sleep consultant booked for Wednesday , I am really hoping there's an end in sight. I have prided myself on not giving in to post-natal depression but feel like in my current state of mind, I'm heading that way. I just need some sleep to get my strength and perspective back.

I am typing this in the basement of my house where I have been banished as my husband got home and found me in tears (of exhaustion) in bed next to a screaming Audrey.

One positive part of today was an Autumn pram walk round Chorltonville listening to The Smiths (see pic), Morrissey's voice and maudling lyrics were like honey to my weary mind.