The Face

My Dear Fellow,

After an uneventful trip down to Bridlington, Er Indoors and I arrived to the above hotel. It looks LOVELY, doesn't it?

"Yer can't 'ave dinner 'ere. We've got a big function in."

How 2 extra people for dinner would break the back of the catering staff I do not know. I ordered delivery burgers instead.

Then we went to find dad and Tups in the bar downstairs. It was locked so we rang for service.

A wild-eyed chef EXPLODED from the door. "Wot do yer want???"

"We're meeting people in the bar," I explained.

"We are STAYING here," added Er Indoors pointedly.

"They're not in OUR bar. We've got a big function on."

This function. It seemed to have brought their world to an end. Nice of them to have warned us. Oh that's right, they didn't.

So we met Tups and dad at another bar instead. They were affronted on our behalf and suggested other hotels but actually, so long as I had a decent-sized bed, the rest of the hotel could be as useless as it liked.

More importantly, the family was together again and we were soon having a good laugh. Er Indoors complained about my selfie-loathing and everyone agreed I was "mean" for not letting her take pictures of us EFFING EVERYWHERE WE GO so she can post them on TwitBook.

I shall not relent.

"And when I do get a photo of him, he always does THE FACE," continued Er Indoors.

If you have a picture of me, chances are I am making The Face in it. It's like my version of a smile. I think it's a bit like when a Muppet looks happy. You just open your mouth as wide as possible and move your head about. Imagine a happy dog trying to catch bacon-flavoured bubbles, that's pretty much it.

So they forced me into lots of pictures last night, and I complied because I'd been drinking. Er Indoors even got one of all three of us, me Tups and dad together.

"Oh dear god, you're ALL making the face," she groaned. "It must be a family thing."

There's no fighting your genetic destiny, I suppose. It is as well I never bred.

Parsones