A Drink in the Hand...

And the struggles of the week are still there forgotten... ;-) 

It was sports day today, the day I've been dreading as I knew I would have to run it. It involves public speaking, which I not only hate, but really just cannot make myself do.....

Yesterday was horrible, and very stressful. Another day of conflicting advice, and couple that with stress of everything and it being only three weeks away from the end of the year.... well you can imagine it didn't make for a great day.

It started off badly when a senior member of staff came to check I was ok for tomorrow, and said he was worried I was underprepared. I ended up talking heatedly, jabbing my finger (not at him). Bad times. He told me the general feeling was that I would fail, and to just let me get on with it. Which somewhat strangely seemed to spur on my fighting spirt, if you can call it that.

We got on, and my lovely TA and I prepped the score sheets. Then the children, armed and ready in their PE kits, came to help us get all of the equipment down from the upstairs store. I went up into the loft space, and gave them all something to carry. Partly I thought they'd like to help me, but I also couldn't see any colleagues being so willing, so otherwise I'd have to do it myself. 

So by mid-afternoon when the colleague from this morning came to check again, he told me it was good, really good. He kept asking me things, only for me to say "yes, I've done that, yup, got that, yup, covered that". Logically there was nothing else left to prep and it would be down to the execution tomorrow.

I felt better, but I figured I had a lot of other things to worry about, so this seemed pretty small. I was sad thinking that they expected me to fail. Not surprised, just sad. How sad it is, that just because a person is quieter, less outspoken (in public), and genuinely shys away from any kind of spotlight, that it's taken to mean that you can't possibly succeed. 

Anyways. I went home and took a nice bath and washed my hair. A, my hairdresser was scheduled to come at 5:30pm, to make up for the missed appointment a few weeks back. She did come, and it was nice to have someone else do all the work for a change!

I had a lazy evening. It was brightish, but cool. My sister came round, and it was just the two of us. We sat and chatted, and she asked me to feel her tummy. I said I was a bit scared to, but she encouraged me. I felt my niece kicking. It was actually quite exciting, and special. I felt those familiar pangs inside again, but it was also a nice moment too.

After she left, I texted a friend to see if she was ok after visiting a close friend in hospital. We had a quick chat and then I did a couple more reports.

I set my alarm for 5:15am this morning, and got up shortly after. It was actually ok, and very peaceful. Sister number 2 never came home, and Little B seemed to realise that it was earlier than usual, and stayed put in his dog bed.

I was breakfasted, and ready by 7:30am, and I left. I made a quick pitstop at my house, and then on to school. I actually quite liked getting there earlier, but maybe that's just because it's summer and quite pretty in the early morning. 

A few were already there, and together we started shifting the equipment outside. I had it all there ready to go, and then I directed and helped. C came out to greet me and carried my laptop in. She even made toast for everybody who helped. I couldn't eat, I was stress overloaded.

We were quite nervous, but we did it. C was unexpectedly nervous, as we agreed she would do all of the talking. But she was brilliant. I felt a bit crap as I made her do something I didn't want to do either. But she got into the swing of it, and said she really enjoyed it! 

It went very smoothly. There was a bit of confusion over how to score some of the races, but they were quickly sorted. It was actually quite enjoyable, and I liked being in charge and delegating! I got to watch my class instead of having to be with them, and we added a bit of humour by having a staff three-legged race. 

The boss was happy, she told me so after both events. She said she genuinely meant it, but we still needed to go and have a chat about the other things.

After my session with A on Wednesday, I cancelled the meeting, or rather asked for it to be postponed. I cited that I hadn't had legal advice regarding some of the claims. When I went to see A I wasn't going to tell her any of that. I was a bit embarrassed I suppose. I also felt I just did not have the energy to go over it anymore. But it was actually really good to talk it over. She gave me renewed optimism, and some pointers that I might want to check on first, which is why I decided to postpone.

The boss told me I'd done well. That she knew I was capable, and I had proved it today. That she wanted a good outcome and wanted to work with 'that me'. She seems to have added more charges to my rap sheet, but I haven't opened the envelope yet. We talked about how the meeting will go, and it was a bit better. I will have a root around at the weekend for medical letters as "evidence" etc. as well.

I went home feeling tired and grubby, but satisfied. She told me that other colleagues had expected me to call in sick today. And that just says it all really.

I came home and had a bath, and then S called me to tell me she thought it was fab, and I should be really proud. 

I headed out at 7pm to meet Guy-Friend/M in London. He was meeting another friend and I joined them at Broadgate Circle. I went there in the winter on a date, bit it was nice to see it in the height of summer, absolutely full of people outside, beers in hand. 

We chatted and had another drink. I felt very short in my flat shoes. After L headed home, we went to The Aviary, a hotel with a rooftop bar near to where he works. The sky was grey and it wasn't a balmy summers evening, but it was really nice. No reservation needed, not super busy, and we still had time to stand on the terrace for a bit. 

It was a nice evening and we took the train home. He waited with me whilst I had to wait for my connection.

I was home just after midnight, and considering I got up even earlier than usual, I wasn't super tired.

And breathe.