Unselfish

My Dear Fellow,

It is officially 100 days until we leave.

I would be celebrating this, but my evil wife insists we need to do a selfie to mark the occasion on Facebook.

I thought selfies were something only millennials did. With their horrid little selfie sticks, while making the peace sign in front of some bloody thing. But Er Indoors is a selfie queen and insists that I am one of her subjects.

Photos of me have always been traumatic. I blame my parents. They would insist on taking my picture when I was little because - apparently - I had elderly relations who wanted to see how much I had grown. This seemed silly and pointless to me and was not helped by the fact that my parents also insisted that I show jollity and mirth by grinning like a five year old idiot. 

It is not like I was a miserable child, you understand, but there was nothing more likely to make me scowl than to insist I postpone shoving my face into an ice-cream cone, or put down my bucket and spade so that I could "look up and smile". 

"Come on," they'd say. "Smile for the camera." And it wasn't like it happened quickly. It wasn't a CLICK and then the ordeal was over. There was usually a thumb in the picture the first time, or my sister blinked or something and it took FOREVER. And I would grimace HARDER.

"Smile," they'd sing. "Come on now. Smiiiiiiile."

"I AM SMILING," I would snarl through gritted teeth. Well, I didn't know. At that age I thought all one needed to do was show teeth and that this somehow indicated a jovial frame of mind.

HOLY EFFING ESS - as I am typing this she's doing it again!!!! Er Indoors is surreptitiously aiming the camera at me and posing!!

Panic over. She gave up with a muttered "Oh eff it".

Where was I? Oh yes, so I would bare my teeth at the camera as a five year old, sure that this constituted "smiling". In most pictures I look like a ferocious honey badger, clutching an ice-cream in frustration.

"I AM SMILING," became my catchphrase. To this day my dad repeats it and then cacks himself laughing.

So I do not care for cameras. Which makes my appearance on blip somehow ironic. But so long as I am not the subject, then I suppose they are acceptable. However, selfies are EXCRUCIATING.

But anyway, yes, 100 days. 

Parsones