Flying Solo

It was super warm today. I didn't get up till 10am, it was lovely :-) 

I had kind of a lazy day- well that's what Saturdays are for aren't they? I was noncommittal about a couple of events I'd been invited to tonight. In the end I took a chance and went, as I knew I wanted to do some shopping, and I figured I could decide what I wanted to do later. I was on the train before 6pm, and as soon as I put going out clothes on, I immediately felt better! Amazing ;-) 

I love listening to conversations whilst I'm reading on the train. Two ladies and a guy got on and they were American, and they were over here as their boys were on a soccer tour. The jolly Irish ladies opposite took great delight in pointing out the americanisms they found strange, and warned them about the great British weather ;-) And the two ladies next to me were discussing their friend's partner who from what I gathered, is rather volatile and ruined several dinner parties! All very interesting when travelling solo on a train ;-) 

I took myself to Piccadilly, where I walked from one end of Regent street to the other, then back again. I discovered this week with the change of the weather that I need new workwear, something I am loathe to buy, so was on somewhat of a mission. I keep missing the closing time, so I made sure I went to one of my favourite shops, Massimo Dutti, in good time. And came out with two pairs of skinny jeans... that I think are too nice for school....

I was quite happy pottering. It was busy, lovely and warm, and I just get lost in my own thoughts. I've been thinking a lot lately, and it's made me a bit sad. I try not to think too much. What I was doing on this weekend last year, with my Tim. It's all right there. I have kind of written off this year already, I doubt it's going to be significant in terms of a relationship progressing or life changes. I am hoping, although I certainly don't want to wish away the summer, that by the time September rolls around again, and I've got past that date, then maybe it might be easier. Who knows. 

A is away this week, and without her I suppose I've had no one to share this with. I've had time to take stock, consider the past, and the future. I've had several major relationships which have all failed, as well as several short term things, and by and large it's not been very successful.The only common denominator is me! I can't get past the middle bit, into the permanent category. And that's sad. Because despite the pain, I wouldn't wish away what I had. There were lots of good times before the disappointments. 

What I've come to realise is that I'm different from everybody else. And I really wish I wasn't. I haven't followed the conventional path, in any part of my life. So whilst most of my friends have met somebody, gotten married, had children etc, that path eludes me. Maybe it's not the right one for me. I wish I knew. 

So in a way I've tried to convince myself I'll have to be happy with that. I'll have to try to love my job, my house, my life etc. And you still have x, y, z. And I keep thinking the only way to be happy is to make peace with that.

Except I can't. I want what everybody else has. I don't want to be different. And the years will go by quickly. I keep thinking I wish in a way I could turn back the clock. Summer of 2013, I was happy. Well happier. I was happyish in my job, in that the desire to leave and explore what's out there hadn't taken hold yet. Maybe content was the right word. Whichever way you look at it, the London thing just isn't going away. Every time I come up here, it reaffirms my desire to make it happen, despite the obstacles. And I know that commuting would be expensive and exhausting, but I have a feeling that the benefits will make me wish I had done it sooner and I realise how much happier I am. 

Anyway. Summer 2013. I was just dipping my toe into the dating world, after a long period of being happily single after I got rid of my deadbeat boyfriend. We were young, living together, and it was a disaster. He stole money from me, and was pretty abusive, so it was a relief to be free of him, finally. Although we still work together, which is another reason I'm keen to leave my job....

It was the first summer in my house, and I enjoyed shaping it and making it into what I wanted it to be. I wish I could go back, because it would be easier. Now I've had amazing and fantastic experiences and I know how great things can be when your'e happy. But then it's gone again, and you have to try to figure how to be happy alone again. 

The stigma of being single. But I've been in relationships, and they failed. So you have no choice but to try again. But in a way it's better not to, as I can't be destroyed the way I have been before. It's too exhausting. For those around you as well. But if you don't try, then you have to accept that this is your lot, and I just can't. 

I wish somebody could come along and make the decisions for me. Maybe I should have taken the job in NL, maybe I should have accepted my place at Law school. I don't know. There's too many I don't knows. 

What I would give to be like everybody else. I apologise for this rambling, but I like to get it down on paper. Seeing as it's currently rolling around in my head and A is on holiday for another week ;-)  And one day I hope I can look back at posts like these and wonder why I felt this way ;-)