The Pizza Huts

Legend has it that beyond the hidden valley of La Sagne, deep below the MacAronnie Mountains are the Pepperonni Caves, known to the locals of Port Appin as the Pizza Huts.

A team of explorers (unemployed students) left Port Appin many days ago and have sent this - the first picture ever of the caves - and a text to say that they've found pizza bases the size of toilet seats growing from the walls of the caverns.

Already the news has caused quite a stir in the village. The local bus company has registered a new open top tour called The Pizza Express, and the Port Appin Times are running another of their dreary, catch penny advertising features, Christmas Shopping in Port Appin, proudly sponsored by the local Italian takeaway.

The local Cooncil immediately painted double yellow lines around the cave entrances and installed parking meters in a field nearby.

"Safety is of the utmost importance" said PC MacTaxit as he set up his speed cameras in his van hidden from view behind a tall hedge on a straight stretch of the Fort William to Oban highway. "No-one has ever been killed on this stretch of road and we intend to keep it that way".

A spokesman for the Pizza Workers Union stated, "We will do all in our power to have these inferior bases banned. This siti-hayshun cannot be allowed to get out of control. We are all united in our condemnation of this unfair practice. (There have been no plans published yet but the PWU always like to strike before the iron is hot).

The Health and Safely Hexecutive has advised locals not to eat anything that hasn't been boiled.