Sitting on grass watching the bikes race past

This was one of my fav's....I hate photographs as I don't like how I look, but I guess the shades helped here.
Another of the great t-shirts I think I've already posted.....loved the notion of 'being in control' with Andy.

Last night was tough....(why I say it about one night is beyond me, but I guess writing things here on blip is the only outlet channel I have now.  I don't want to burden my Son too much, nor even my best friend Jay).
I still find myself saying 'Goodnight Andy' every night, in the darkness - just to somehow connect with him at the end of the day.  Those first few seconds as I come around in the early quiet hours of the morning, and then those 3-5 seconds when I realise either
a) the nightmare has ended, only to realise the whole thing is actually true
or
b) I wake from a fantastic memory or 'made up' dream about Andy, only to have the real world/reality "rush" at me (these were what always caused the panic attacks before)
Last night, and in a hotel room, I woke from a good dream.....one where I felt myself laughing, and then woke.......and those 5 seconds of 'coming to' and realising Andy isn't with me any more........it's been just over 2 months since I had a panic attack........and this morning....well, it was like a single one making up for all that time.  Words could never describe what it's like.......how everything is happening at the same time, and the sheer fear.  It took so much, so very much, for me to gain control......and no-one I could ask to help me.  
I don't want to write about it......it's late and I have to head upstairs and I just can't bear the thought of it happening again.

The picture...........he was smiling.  A selfie of us both.
Enjoying the passion for bikes growing....
He was happy then....I believe he was.