When I'm feeling blue

all I have to do, is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue.

Today goes down in my personal history as a day where any expectations that I had were utterly shattered in the space of 10 pointless minutes. I went in with low expectations anyway, on the basis that anything I got would be a positive outcome. How wrong could I have been.

Started badly when I discovered that the car park at the hospital was £2.50 for the time that I needed to be there. Then the car parking meter wouldn't accept the final 5p of the £2.50 in change and I had no other money. As I stood with my head against the parking meter, a kindly lady came past and gave me the 5p.

Then, despite being early at the hospital, the consultant didn't quite manage the same thing, so my appointment was delayed for 30 minutes.

Then when I got in, apparently I spoke in a different language or very very quietly, because at no point did she hear anything I said to her. Or so it felt. Due to the letter from my own GP citing one particular symptom (part of a wide range of symptoms), the consultant became fixated on it. Her third sentence to me was to tell me that she was going to fit a contraceptive coil in six weeks time because in her words "it is a miracle weapon in the fight against hormone problems". I pointed out that my blood tests showed no hormonal problems and that the last batch of "miracle cure" hormone tablets turned me into a psychotic, suicidal monster. She thundered on regardless, telling me that she would fit the coil and that I would have to give it 6 months before we could assess whether it was having any impact.

This was followed by a glimmer of hope - "Of course, hormonal problems wouldnt cause your physical pain so we need to get to the root cause of the problem"...but then she banged on again about that feckin' coil.

I stood my ground. I did everything that I have been advised. I clearly articulated how debilitating this is for me, how I am failing to function on a normal, day to day basis, how my quality of life is less than shit and that I am being swallowed up by this chronic, incesssant, all day, every day pelvic pain.

Still, guess what?!!!!

She didn't even look through the pain diary.

She did examine me - it was less than a minute. Then she took a punch biopsy of a part of my body that I would prefer she hadn't. That hurt like hell and by this time I was so angry, frustrated, already in my normal pain zone and having it turned into what can only be described as labour pains - that just pushed me over the edge. I sobbed. And sobbed.

I wish I had taken someone with me to hold my hand. I should not have gone there by myself.

Blood tests followed - at least the phlebotomist was a lovely, kind lady who was sympathetic.

Another appointment in 6 weeks when I will NOT be accepting her proposed treatment.

It's very difficult to drive safely when the tears won't stop and your abdomen feels like it is being twisted and stabbed repeatedly.

Instead, fuelled by anger and finally the acceptance that this health system is flawed and is not going to meet my needs, I have made an appointment with a private consultant, not in this health authority. He has been recommended by someone who I trust completely.

So this evening, his PA had a long conversation with me, listened, explained the process and suchlike and told me that my consultation was 30 minutes face to face with the consultant himself. 30 minutes will give me the time to be heard. I was more reassured when she explained that he has treated patients in similar circumstances and that many patients travel from all over the British Isles to see him.

So we will see, but at least I will see quickly. I need the reassurance of a second opinion and I need something to be done - it needs to be investigated, not masked. How can an undiagnosed problem be treated???

I have spent much of my day on the sofa, curled up under a blanket, crying. Sometimes I cannot maintain the facade that everything is OK.

Fortunately, these two wonderful creatures always manage to do something to bring me back. I am blessed by them and by my wonderful family anddfriends, near and far who have known exactly what to do and to say to me to keep me going. I am lucky to be surrounded by such love.

xx