19/31 Something Orange

Not really in the mood for blipping right now. Apart from a lovely few hours spent with Diane and Zach, and a trip out to get Ben's hair cut, it's been a "shouty mummy and crying children" sort of day.

Therefore, instead of 13/31 "me and 13 things", I'm going with the other option that I'd decided on for today which was to catch up with everyone else and do day 19/31 which is "something orange". This picture is straight out of the camera, no tweaking at all: it's the camera's auto-white balance setting which has left it with an orange cast.

Ben and I were shouting at each other before we'd even got out of bed and dressed; shouting and crying before we got out of the house to see Di and Zach; again once we got home from getting his hair cut; and then as he was tailing me in the kitchen as I was trying to make dinner I tripped over him for the umpteenth time and spun round and yelled at him. His response totally caught me off guard.

"But I love you mummy."

It made me cry then (and scoop him up and cuddle him and tell him how sorry I was for being so horrible all day) and it's made me cry every time I've thought about it since.

My brother had a similar moment the other day he tells me - and that made me cry too, reading it. When you get caught off-guard by your children like that....

Anyway, we had tea in relative peace. Ben in his own version of reality as usual - one little gem was as follows:

"I haven't got any... any... any... milk left on my spoon! It's not milk, it's.... it's drunk! It's not drunk it's puddle! It's not puddle, it's yoghurt! I haven't got any yoghurt left on my spoon!"

All you can do in moments like that is stop and stare in wonder that this child is somehow yours.


The evening however has been truly awful.

Steve went out to smallgroup, Ben went off to bed like a dream, and Charley Would Not Settle. He sort of settled in the wrap but took ages to go to sleep, then didn't sleep very long at all and woke up screaming. It's taken all evening, a tiny dose of calpol, and a hefty dose of skin to skin from daddy to calm him down. Think he might have been a bit dehydrated, he's not had much milk today because we've been out and he's fallen asleep. Must remember to wake him up to eat if we're out and about.

So it's bedtime now. Ben has already made the switch to our bed. He had a cuddle, I started crying because Charley's crying was getting more and more heartbreaking to hear, Ben pushed himself up, told me he'd wait for me in the bed, and that I was to get Charley and bring him back with me.

Charley started crying as we put a nappy back on him but settled almost instantly when put skin-to-skin with me. I cried with overwhelming relief that I could actually settle my baby, I wasn't just a crap mummy.


It makes the mummy-guilt so much worse, to realise just how much my boys love me, and love each other, and then to put that against how irritable I am and how short my fuse is these days.


I think an important thing for me to remember in the morning, is that with regards my short fuse, my irritability, my grumpiness:


Those were yesterday's feelings.


I will try again tomorrow.