Aaargh

How can such an astonishing night be followed by such a dreadful one?

Not so much in terms of lack of sleep (although it wasn't great) but oh my word the scale of the the tantrum from Ben in the middle of the night because I wasn't able to give him a booby cuddle right there and then, as I was dealing with Charley at the time. After nearly an hour (possibly - it certainly felt that long) of Ben's screaming getting more and more manic and utterly inconsolable (and I had no desire to let such a raging child near my boobs) and both Steve and I being hit and kicked as we tried to either calm him down or snap him out of it he just stopped of his own accord (well, almost stopped) because he needed a wee and wanted me to come with him to the toilet.

Once we'd done that I took him back to his bedroom and gave him the cuddle he so desperately wanted. He absolutely did not really want to be left alone after that though and trying to settle him back in his bed was futile. He wanted to go to sleep, but not on his own. I had to get Charley as he'd started crying as well, so I sat on the chair in Ben's room, feeding Charley, singing to Ben, reassuring him that I was still there. Eventually I snuck off back to my own bed and had just taken my glasses off after lying down when Ben started wailing for mummy again. I gave up, went and got him, and brought him back to our bed. Figured out a tandem feeding solution - sadly it doesn't let me sleep at the same time but at least I didn't have a screaming child next to me - and let both children settle off to sleep.

Ben slept in this morning. Charley and I had time to make coffee, change nappies (twice), unload and sort the wet laundry from the machine, and measure out oats and milk for porridge before *thump thump thump* "mummy??? where are you mummy???"

I'm realising something. When Ben is playing happily, or getting on with things, I ignore him pretty much and get on with my own things or deal with Charley. If I manage to put Charley down at all, and Ben is still happy, I sit down or get on with my own things again. I don't go and interact with Ben and fill up his "love tank" - whereas I'm beginning to realise that I really should be. He, on the other hand, gets ignored until he wants attention and is learning that the way to get mummy's attention is to do something she doesn't like - and so mummy tries her best not to shout, and to use reason and asking and all the gentle things first, but that's not attention. Attention is mummy yelling at Ben and Ben yelling right back (sometimes Ben even gets in a pre-emptive strike on the yelling front) with a side order of Ben hitting mummy.

Of COURSE this is just going to perpetuate the horrible shouty mummy situation I'm finding myself in.

I need to set my level of expectation of what I can achieve or get done lower (i.e. sod the Christmas cards - oh, you've done them now, and had many shouty mummy moments as a result) and allow myself far more time to spend with both my boys. Actually playing with Ben, or reading with him, or tickling him. Not just turning cbeebies on or a DVD so I can have a bit of peace.

See the ... not apathy, sometimes it's worse than apathy - I've started feeling towards Ben is starting to affect my feelings towards Charley, and I find myself staring blankly at him as he cries waiting to be picked up and held or fed or burped or changed. Complete apathy. It could just be tiredness, it very likely is, but it saddens me when I realise how I'm feeling.

What to do.

Hope that the holiday helps. Steve will be around, we can share childcare, and both of us can get to spend quality time with each of the children AND hopefully with each other.

Steve is planning a sleepover in Ben's room tonight :) We both think the reason Ben slept SO well at Hayley's was because he wasn't alone. He's not used to it, and his whole world has just undergone a massive change. He keeps telling me there's a storm coming and he's scared of it, he's scared of the clouds outside. He doesn't like waking up alone, even though he knows he can come and find us. I'm not sure why he's suddenly stopped getting out of bed by himself when he started out doing it fine. So even if the sleepover doesn't work, at least Steve doesn't have to get up in the morning for work!


I needed a really big cuddle from someone who'd been through this and could just hug me and tell me it will get better without mentioning weaning or just be firm etc etc. And I have. From unexpected places :)

I don't think weaning is the answer, for what it's worth. Ok so it would stop the battle over who gets a booby cuddle when, but the underlying issues wouldn't be resolved. And it's those issues which really during the day only I can fix by putting the stuff I want to do at the bottom of the list, very much underneath the bits that say "play trains with Ben" "be an aeroplane" "have a tickle fight" "get the paints out".

"Wrap Charley up and spend some quality time with Ben."



"The goal... is not to be perfect parents, it's to become progressively less stupid parents..."
Marshall B Rosenberg