Mixed bag of emotions

36+1 wks

I think, on balance, it's been a good day today.



(Ben "helped" with this shot. Sort of. He helped get the tripod out, and was briefly a model for me so I could get the focal length set up. Briefly. And then I had to call for backup so I could have a minute to myself without him lying on the sofa tangling himself up in my legs every time I set the self-timer......)



And if this wasn't my way of keeping a journal these days, I'd probably stop there...



But it's my journal. So I'm not stopping.

:0)

Up early this morning. Was awake at 5am, couldn't get back to sleep, gave up at 6am and went down and had breakfast in peace. Bliss! Ben came and joined me and we had a lovely morning waiting for Steve to get up.

So. Up at 6am and STILL managed to only just be on time for the scan at 9am.

Details of scan and appointment below, in italics. And another little piece of thinkingness under that too...




Hayley picked Ben up after the scan so Steve and I could concentrate on the antenatal appointment, and chattered all the way back to hers! He's certainly found his voice again this week. He barely shuts up! After the hospital stuff was over Steve dropped me round at her house - she took me and Ben out for lunch today as a belated birthday treat for me :) Ben had a serious case of cabin fever after being cooped up all day yesterday, and was literally climbing the walls (and windows and seats and me and Hayley) at the cafe we went to. He was just bonkers. Completely hyper. And tired with it too, so there was no reasoning with him to calm down! The company was wonderful though - just what I needed after the morning at the hospital, rather than me wallowing (and most likely sobbing) at home. Every 5 minutes (well not quite, but it felt like it!) Hayley would say "two weeks!!" and get all excited again, which by the end of the afternoon meant that I had almost come to terms with it!! That's one way to do it I suppose ;0)

Back home now and I need some Stevie cuddles but he has suddenly got a vastly reduced amount of time to get our bedroom habitable so is working up there with a mate, prepping the plasterboarded walls ready for skimming next week.

At least Ben is asleep before 10pm today. That's a relief. He's been on the go like me since very early, and he hasn't napped either today. Hopefully he'll have a good sleep tonight and wake up refreshed. We don't have anywhere to go in the morning, and he's got a birthday party to go to in the afternoon where he can run off some excess energy before crashing in the evening...





Obstetric consultant was not in today (grrr) but saw her registrar and the senior diabetic team instead.

Baby is on 74th centile - sonographer took 5 measurements to make sure she was getting it right, and they were all consistent. Head so far engaged that it was impossible to measure, he's certainly further down than 2 wks ago.

Antenatal team really really really don't want me to go full term, and even tho they can't actually stop me they are very twitchy already, they just don't want to run the risk of a stillbirth. Turns out the "big baby getting stuck" issue really only applies to gestational diabetes, but as a pre-existing diabetic the risk of actual stillbirth at full term is higher. I'm not sure by how much but it's enough to have them scared.

We have come to a compromise, in that I will see the community midwife for a sweep a few days before my next appointment in 2 weeks' time (which will make me 37+4wks), and will have a second sweep at the 38wk appointment. They're hoping that either the sweeps will kick-start a natural labour, or at the very least they will allow the team to see how far round the cervix is and therefore how less painful having my waters broken artificially might be. So when I go to the antenatal clinic in a fortnight I'm to take my hospital bags with me just in case....

But unless things happen by themselves before or at the next appointment, they'll be booking me in for induction at 39wks max.

I'm pleased that they took my fears into consideration (even tho they obviously played on the natural fears of a mum re stillbirth and effect on mother and all that), and even if they didn't say it out loud they all but admitted things went from "as little intervention as possible" to full blown intervention everything short of emergency ceasarean last time because my body simply wasn't ready to give birth. That's more than I was hoping for, that admission. I'm told things will be easier this time, it being my second delivery. I wish they'd put *that* in writing instead of "poor sugar control" which I'm cross about, as they didn't say that to my face this morning!






As much as I'm at peace with things in my heart, my emotions are all over the place at the moment - it's a bit like shell-shock having the 4 week wait suddenly reduced by half.

All of a sudden everything is moving very quickly and it's going to take some good cuddles with Steve to get my head sorted out properly.

I've done some crying and some laughing today, I've needed both in equal measure really. I'm just a huge mishmash of hormones and tiredness and cold virus.

This
is one of my songs... it's a bit old now, but when I tried to play it on the piano earlier it had me sobbing. "Light and momentary troubles." Hard to accept, but the truth.

Once baby is here, I can start healing again.