That's Not What That's For!

Oh, Olivia. You're sooooo cute. I bonded with this child when she was just a little pumpkin, and I have a love for her in my heart! She makes me laugh. I can't believe how well she communicates now. I suppose this is what happens when you grow up. :)

I feel really lucky to have such a great family - and this family includes my racing family. Where there might have been holes, there simply aren't.

Today I had a really great conversation with this little girl's mommy. It got me to thinking. I'm constantly learning about life, and it seems like it is so excited to show me all of these different layers. But I'm not special; it's like that for everyone! Once you understand one layer, you get to peek at another and see if you can dissect a new puzzle. I'm pretty in touch with who I am, and I have been for a long time - but the constant curveballs of life itself, the strange choices of others, and the way you get to choose how things affect you (when you're a grown up) are so incredibly intriguing and revealing.

I am smarter than I've ever been, and I am hurting less than ever as well. I do believe that I masked hurt with all kinds of other emotions and actions: anger, silliness, denial, etc. etc. etc. Mostly denial. And perhaps a bit of gin. When you look hurt in the face and say, "listen you, you aren't welcome here," you are given a pass to the next level. When you deal with things that require attention, you are granted access to a broader understanding. It's calming. Oh, I'm 100% certain that I could get wound up still - I'm a human being - but anger doesn't have a place here in this heart on a daily basis.

Facing reality helps. Taking care of things that need to be taken care of helps (answer the phone.... pay your bills.... get your work done.... clean your house.... get out of bed at a reasonable hour.... be responsible!). Embracing the love that I have in my life is extraordinarily helpful. And saying NO to the inappropriate behavior of others has been absolutely critical. It is the single best thing I've done for myself and my emotional health. You give someone a chance, always give a chance, but beyond that: the responsibility lies on your own shoulders. Sweeping little bits under the rug might be okay (in the sense of choosing your battles), but the big things, those f*ckers need to be faced. Says the girl who always before hid from confrontation, so afraid to rock the boat for fear it would tip.

Guess what. It didn't tip. It did indeed rock, but then it steadied, picked up a motor, and actually started moving in a really great direction.

I have difficult days. Things are not easy all the time (they always seem more difficult right before they turn into extraordinary days of wonder and magic reality). I wish I could have more hugs. I'd certainly like to make more money (like NOW). I miss what it was like to always have someone to go out to dinner with and hold hands with. Kinda sad I probably won't have a 50th wedding anniversary - but honestly? Every choice I've made has been right. Especially the most difficult ones.

5 Things I'm Thankful For Today
1) Breakfast with a great group of people
2) Last night by the cozy fire with the Grandpa, my lovely Grandpa
3) Three days until I see my favorite friends!!
4) The Red Bull I found in the fridge that will fuel me through what will be a late night preparing images for tomorrow
5) Family that shows love. One of the truest things I've learned: actions speak louder than words. xo