for daddy...

…with love

dearest daddy ~

the other day i had to get some work done on my car – it reminded me – of the times you would guide me – as to how best to interact with service people – approaching the counter – you will never guess – the gentleman who was going to help me? his name was bernard – i thought i would burst into tears

here you’ve been gone – 7 years now – and still – i am caught off guard by moments like these – it was a simple name – not even your proper name – your middle name, bernard – it was enough though – to have memories come flooding over me - for a life taken too soon – which won’t return – that i swore i was moving on in my grief and loss – accepting – but then i become overwhelmed with a name – why is that?

it’s true – the memory was sweet – brought a smile to my face – conjured up a picture of all the times i was able to contact you – for questions regarding the mechanisms of my car – or financial guidance – to chat about golf or the bears playing – how the cubs were doing – the little things we’d bonded over throughout the years – the way we learned how to communicate with each other – as father and daughter - yet still

last year – i said i was moving on – was going to be brave – strong, not allow grief to continue to overtake me – for the most part that’s been the case, daddy – i feel as if i’ve been more able to put one foot in front of the other – accept the fact you’re really gone – i, as your princess daughter – really need to listen to what you always told me – “chin up, linda – you’re capable” – now is the time – to truly believe that – to understand how in a way – in your death – you’re really teaching me – how to live

grief is a difficult thing, daddy – i’ve seen over this year – you really need to go through it – whereas i think i’ve been trying to – simply go around it all this time – that doesn’t work – it’s like putting a band-aid on it – i don’t need to be worried i will forget you – i think that’s been part of my problem – of not wanting to fully let go – because then i would totally forget you – and the voices of those telling me “move past it” – “you need to get over him now” – would finally be true – and i would lose you – i can’t lose you, daddy – i believe i’ve been very afraid of that happening – even of my memories going away – i know i can’t sit in a pity party of grief – i am not saying that at all - i’m finally giving myself permission - to gently release myself – from this tumultuous swinging – back and forth that i’ve been – experiencing over these years and move forward – to a place of peace and understanding – which is where you desire me to be – and would like for me to be living – at least, it’s what i am again hoping for on this anniversary day – as i write to you – feeling emotional and perhaps like this hasn’t made a lot of sense – but it doesn’t matter – these anniversary days are a touchstone between us – an opportunity for me to let you know how i am – and for others to get a peek into the kind of daddy you – once were to a princess daughter – i hope you’ll be proud of the steps i’m taking – all because of your wonderful middle name – bernard - and how that contributes to making this…

a

happy day…..

i love you, daddy…always