for daddy...

dearest daddy ~

i have struggled with how best to honor you today – wanting it to reflect who you are – to say the most of who you were, as well… but putting all that into words is proving to be very difficult for me – as difficult as it has been to accept that you really truly are gone – even though it’s been 6 years already – as today marks the anniversary of an awful day in our lives – one we had no control over as most go. it’s the way of life, right? one must simply accept the hand dealt and move on – be strong about it, moving forward with determination – at least it’s what you taught us – but it hasn’t been so easy, daddy – your death caught us so off guard, by surprise in the middle of the night – leaving us in such a state of shock… and the intervening years have been filled with grief – i will admit it, feeling like it would overwhelm and consume me… i just wanted you for a little while longer - to chat about golf or football – my car, whatever – but it was’t going to be – i kept thinking it so unfair i wasn’t able to have a proper “good-bye” – is that silly?

i wanted to tell you one last time how much you meant to me – how much i loved having you for a daddy – in a large family, i always appreciated how you managed to make me feel special – like your princess – it was important to you to cultivate a special bond between us as I grew up – that i recognized your efforts – how you would’ve moved mountains for me – how you believed in me… i’m so sorry i didn’t get to tell you that – one last time…

you see, daddy – over these years, my grief has taken me on a path of reflection and learning - turns out i’m a lot like you – you always taught us to be strong – determined – to move forward – to be brave in adverse circumstances – to not forget… i am trying to do all those things rolled into one – i am trying to look grief in the face and be strong – determined it will not overtake me and attempting to move forward – for me, the loss of you has caused me to become stuck – and it’s been so difficult to get through it, daddy. i’ve had some people urge me to “just get over it” – “move past it” – you’d understand – i have a life to live, right? yet here’s the thing – i don’t want to ever move past you, daddy – i know you don’t want to me to be wallowing around in a sea of grief forever, i realize that point – i also know i need to pick myself up by the boot straps (as you used to say) to carry on – which doesn’t equate to forgetting you – like that could ever happen – but i think i’ve figured out it’s okay for me to let go, daddy - and some of the pain will begin to release, perhaps allowing me to have a sweeter remembrance of you that is more fine-tuned – one where i’ve not lost any sense of you at all – but i think it will be richer – deeper than what has been - forcing our bond to be even greater now in death...

at least – that is what i’m hoping for – aiming for on this anniversary day – as i write this letter to you, feeling as though it’s been a bit disjointed – different in how i usually express myself… but there is no right or wrong when it comes to emotion – life and death – how we need to be. i wanted to take an opportunity to let you know how things were going with me – the impact of these 6 years – what they’ve done – how you impacted me, too - that even still i hope others will see you in a letter as i have seen you – and i hope you’ll be proud of your princess daughter for being able to finally take this stand to believe in herself enough – to step away from the worst of it – and move on into making it…

a

happy day…..

i love you, daddy…always