Relaxing

The morning was spent on the sofa.

Kelly had asked if I could look after Lewis for a few hours this afternoon while she went to the hairdresser. It started off well, Lewis was great, all smiley and happy. Something changed in me and I couldn’t handle his noisy toys, Lewis himself and I didn’t even want to look at him. I wanted to leave the room and go home. I ended up putting Lewis on the floor with his toys and lying with him crying.

A bit later he had a bottle and fell asleep. Put him in his cot and he slept for 40 mins leaving me to sit numbly on the sofa. I hoped that he would sleep until Kelly came home. He didn’t.

I hate myself even more so than usual for feeling like this and can’t believe that I felt this way towards my own nephew. Since I have got home the tears haven’t really stopped for long. Every time I think of this afternoon I feel the same and cry.

I know I’m in for a bad night, I can feel it. I have already self harmed.