What are my aims?

Several times today I have noticed myself worrying about doing something as I'm worried that 'it isn't what a person with mental health issues does' e.g. Going for a walk because I think it would be nice or sitting chatting to people I don't really know. This is not rational, I know. But it is the very real fear of getting better that's causing it.

It got me thinking though. Basically, I am marking my days by how well I have conformed to 'ill person' status. Is that actually how I want to measure my days? Well, in a sense, unfortunately, yes it is. But I can see it isn't helpful to anyone for me to go down that route. And seriously, why am I stopping myself having pleasant experiences? I don't really want my only aim for a day to be to have enjoyed myself either, but I certainly think it is a better aim than attempting to prove I am ill.

So what do I really want my aim for my days to be? 'Want' is a funny word because actually I might want something that I also don't want. As in I want it because to me it sounds nice, but I have faith that God's way is better so I actually want His way. I guess that is why the Christian life is one of a tug of war within between Spirit and flesh.

So, in line with God's will, I think the aim I would like to have each day is to know him and love him more, trusting in him and serving him in all I do. It's hard and one I am very glad that I have the Holy Spirit's help with. And I don't want to do it in a legalistic sense. I want to do it as a response to what God has done for me.

That is actually hugely freeing because it doesn't mean I have to panic that I haven't done 'well enough' yet. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). I am able to just ask God to help me use the next bit of time to honour and serve him. And remember that serving can include resting and enjoying creation, for example.