The Road Home

This morning after we all said our goodbyes, my sis drove out of the drive-way and at the distance corner, turned right, and was gone. Immediately Mr. Fun stepped off the brick porch to hold me as my eyes flooded with tears.

A year ago I wrote a blip about my sister, it explains a few dimensions of our relationship.

All vacations come to an end. Hopefully all vacations are good ones. I think it was a good vacation for my sis. She likes road trips and enjoyed the 2-day drive here and was looking forward to the 2-day drive back to Portland. She was here 5 days and 6 nights. The only day we stayed home and did nothing was Tuesday. Monday we went to Grammie Teele's old house, Wednesday she and I went shopping in Orange County. Thursday we shopped at Victoria Gardens, and Friday we did a little shopping right here in our community. But this morning Sis's vacation started the last chapter and the conclusion will happen tomorrow evening as she pulls into her driveway.

(If vacations don't come to an end, is that what's called retirement?)

This week we've had a lot of good moments and reminscenced through lots of memories. We do fabulously well at talking about Grammie & Grandpa Teele and their place in Carlsbad By the Sea. Everything went sideways, though, Friday morning when the topic of our parents surfaced. My sister can say nothing good about Mom. As an adult, I've always been grateful for all that Mom did to raise me and my sis as she discovered Dad had been unfaithful, as she became a divorcee and began raising two daughters as a single mom, and 11 months ago I wrote a blip about Mom.

Back in November on Sis's birthday, I wrote more about her and also how Mom & Dad's divorce affected each of us differently. I discovered the truth of that all over again yesterday as we sat here at the dining room table talking.

My sis revealed her thinking that our parents, especially Mom, favored me and then Sis gave a litany of why. I was stunned, and then angered. I sat across the table from her remembering how often I had felt like the failure daughter who quit school at 15 to get married and have a baby. I was shocked to realize that my sis said I was the good kid that my folks liked best. Suddenly the 30 years of silence that had been broken 2 years ago became understandable . . . I'm the visual reminder of bad memories for my sis.

I told her that she remembers parents that I never knew because my memory of Mom & Dad doesn't align with hers at all. It was a very uncomfortable moment. Thankfully we somehow ended that conversation and moments later we were in the car headed to do a little "window" shopping. Mostly I just wanted to break a few windows.

I include that ugly moment here because it is a small peek into what went wrong for two sisters years ago . . . and the woundedness that festered (and still does) . . . and because this is my journal and maybe someday my kids (and grandkids) might read this and gain insight about their mom (and grandmother) . . . when they read my pages maybe they will realize why somethings take my breath away and other things make me weep.

So when I stood in the driveway this morning with eyes overflowing, it was a bitter sweet moment. My sister likes me now, but she doesn't like the me of yester-year because of what she thinks my parents thought about their two daughters.

So we get along fine if we blot out all the years of our childhood. The only memories that are safe are the ones that include Grammie Teele, mostly times visiting at her home.

I'm still trying to process the realization of all of this. If you've read this far, I apologize for being so truthful, or maybe it's just transparent (because for these two sisters the truth seems quite blurred). I have always thought that life is intricate and complicated, but that it certainly is worth living; this week has been confirmation of that. Overall, I think I had a good week with my big sister, my only sister and I think she's had a good one with me. It's amazing how a 15 minute or less conversation can color 5-days of being together.

In two hours Saturday will cross the Finish Line. So I better say . . .
Good night from Southern California.
Rosie (& Mr. Fun), aka Carol