A trip to the Fitzwilliam

Amanda came to visit today. I think I was a bit irritable. I don't know how much it showed. We went to the Fitzwilliam museum for a bit and then sat outside to eat our lunch before wandering through Cambridge and the market. I quite enjoyed doing some shopping as I remembered I needed some stuff.

Then I came home (the bus put me in a bad mood).

I have been a bit bothered by how I have just been getting on with mundane tasks without even really thinking about it sometimes. Panic, panic!

Why am I panicking? Must be that fear of recovery again. But that isn't a bad thing!

'So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.' Isaiah 41:10. I don't do anything on my own.

I am also worrying about tonight - my parents and brother are dropping by and taking me out for dinner. I am worried about being under scrutiny. I often feel judged. When I see them, I see them see me as an ill skeleton. I feel weird. It's probably all in my own head, but it does get to me. That's why I shut them out sometimes. I have to keep barriers up to protect myself.

I am often grumpy or sarcastic with them anyway but given I am feeling low and defensive, I am worried what I might say. I think the only way I can cope is to put on a metaphorical mask. Make myself someone I'm not. But then I just hate the pretentiousness of it all...

I think the best I can do for now is to pray and remember God goes with me.