Day 172

I got a text from Christine saying she had been very depressive the last week. This caused me some degree of stress.

It's sad because I love her and don't want her to have to go through that.

It's hard because I start comparing myself to her. It makes me feel like I am possibly losing some sort of achievement - who has had the worst experience. Flatten that ladder, Laura.

It's hard because I feel I might be OK and therefore a fraud.

It's hard because it makes me notice how much better I am and therefore how much better I am on my way to being.

I arrived at Bibs' for our exercise session, feeling sad/stressed about Christine. Then Bibs said Amy was sad. This made it feel even worse.

I think I struggled quite a lot today with feeling there wasn't too much wrong with me. I'm sure this is from comparing myself. Flatten the ladder!!

Bibs pointed out that the burden I was feeling of sadness for others' sadness was something I could be thankful for as well.

I slept for a fair amount of the afternoon.

I went out to see Alice in the evening. As I headed out I started thinking about Lucy and that made me very sad. I proceeded to get myself worked up as I thought I might have got over the sadness too quickly. Then we had the age old questions: why even am I off work? Am I a fraud? Maybe I should be sad more? I was temporarily comforted by the thought that these thoughts were exactly what is wrong with me. But then feeling at peace about it meant that I was fine, so then I did need to worry... It seemed like an impossible situation.

Thankfully I allowed myself to be distracted while seeing Alice but then started to worry I should be worrying as I travelled home.