Day 138 - too long

I woke up scared about going to the vision day at church. I considered cancelling, especially as I really wanted more sleep (hadn't really had enough) but I did push through and go.

I didn't feel great but I think I was reasonably alright for the first talks then came the break and I felt so isolated. And like the weird one. I hated it. I thought about leaving but cheered up a bit when Lydia was nice to me. So I sat (in a comfy chair this time) through the seminar.

I thought I would leave then but got caught up having lunch and found myself staying for the meeting as well. I didn't feel good though.

I felt very much in need of a hug by the end.

I was due to then meet up with my brother. I love him but was quite scared as I felt so bleak and tired too. I became extremely low as I walked into town to find him. I thought I might well just cry. I tried to ask him lots of questions and keep the focus off me. It was hard but after a toilet break to escape and the inspiration to wander around a shop, I did pick up a little.

I was meant to be seeing college people tonight and wasn't quite sure how I was going to keep from breaking down. At the same time though I was glad to have something to keep me from the scary aloneness of my own company.

I had a headache and was so tired by the time I arrived. After some paracetamol, a meal and some games starting, I was okish.

Do not know what I would do if I didn't have the psychiatrist on Tuesday. I can't handle hitting such lows. I'm scared of tomorrow and Monday. It feels like an age that needs to pass.

One hour at a time. And God is with me, however much it might not feel like it at times.