Day 137 - therapy

The day started by a trip to Katherine's for my first 'counselling' session. It's weird because now I know her I think of her as more of a friend than a counsellor. I was pretty open with her. I think I had hoped I might cry. It's good to get it out sometimes. I didn't and I guess that was a slight disappointment but it was a helpful session. We decided we are going to work through a book together.

We talked about how God is there even if I don't feel him. She encouraged me to remember there are times where I feel closer.

We talked also about Hebrews 4:16. I can trust that God will provide me with the grace I need at any time. I don't need to fear losing health or other things. Even if I can't imagine coping at the moment, God can make it possible. She told me about the Israelites trying to store up manna in the Old Testament. It went mouldy if it was taken too far in advance. Similarly we can apply this to storing up grace - we shouldn't. God will provide the grace we need as we need it.

My 'homework' is to meditate on a psalm each day. Perhaps psalm 55. Can pray the words God gives - amazing. And it is encouraging to see such honesty poured out in many of the psalms.

Katherine said this time of suffering is helpful for working out where I am going to seek comfort. Time to learn how to rely on God.

One hour at a time.

I came home and did some CBT. I gave myself a deadline of 4.30 by telling Rhoda I would come and play games then.

I was comforted by Romans 8:15-17.

I looked a bit at how I might be falling into the trap of thinking I must be a perfect Christian. I know in my head that I can't be but I'm not sure I have fully grasped that in all aspects of my thinking.

On a different note, I am realising more the truth of what Lizzie has been saying for a while - when I am better, these things won't be scary/such burdens to bear as I currently see them.

I don't really feel like I can do any more CBT at the moment. I don't feel like moving but I will in order to play with Rhoda. I feel disturbed by how I am not despairing. I feel anxious and scared. I felt guilty.. I am confused.

Better just go downstairs to snap myself out of this. I'm never going to resolve it by going round in circles.