Day 132 - resurrection, renewed faith

Slept all morning. Very much didn't want to have to see relatives who were popping by. I was trying to work out how to make the situation as painless as possible. I decided it would probably be best if I were downstairs with my mum and then the pressure would be diluted. Them coming up to see me with me in bed makes me feel more vulnerable and awkward. Hoped that somehow I would not have to have any encounters though - none were guaranteed.

I got up eventually as I was so hungry. Soon we had lunch and everyone was pretty quiet. I felt tense and slightly slipped into my old ways of comparing what my sister was eating with myself. The tug at my heart when she refused ice cream was a painful reminder of what my life used to be like.

I was so glad to be away from the table and quickly retreated to bed. There I became so low. I got into a state about the possibility that I was wrong with my faith. Everything felt awful but hopeless. My mum wanted to play a game but I told her I felt sick.

Eventually, having calmed down a bit, I decided I just needed to stop thinking and distract myself so I went to play some games. Then my cousin came. I was grumpy, stroppy and such a horrible person. I kept having to apologise but nobody seemed to know what I was talking about. Maybe I wasn't too nasty? I don't know, I felt I was. That didn't much help my mood.

I suggested a game and felt quite insecure about what the others were thinking about it. Then we played pictionary which went on for way too long. I felt quite on edge because of the lack of personal space.

Again, I didn't think I was very nice as we ate our evening meal but at least there were some laughs.

I went to bed and felt really guilty about probably upsetting everyone. Eventually I went to apologise but everyone just laughed. Still, I feel like I was horrid. But that does just make me want to cling to Jesus more - he is the only way I can be saved! I need him so much. And after reading some things and thinking a bit, I remembered why I do believe he really does exist and really is the son of God. I think the devil was just trying to attack me earlier. But I am confident Jesus is alive, He is risen!

I don't understand how I came into being or how time works or how miracles work if there isn't a being - a god - outside of time and matter who can work things supernaturally. Of course that is only enough to make me a theist. The historical evidence from Christians and non Christians, fulfilment of prophecies, my personal experience and testimonies of others etc mean I can't see how Christianity can't be true. I read a bit more of the Pilgrim's progress and it helped me believe more. I guess having doubts is good as it helps me examine why I believe and that in turn strengthens my faith.

So, happy Easter! What a wonderful occasion we remember this day!

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”' John 11:25-26